The Sweet Life

New Hope For The New Year

2010-01-01T18:00:00.007-06:00

And so it starts again. A fresh year, full of possibilities and I have that feeling. You know, the one where you feel like you cam make things happen. It's the feeling one has right before they write out their new year's resolutions.

I don't do resolutions. They seem like temporary goals to me, kind of like the word "diet". They almost imply a transient state, one that is filled with unrealistic goals, impossible to maintain. So this year, while there will be no resolutions, there will be change. there. has. to. be.

I have been in this rut far too long. I can honestly say depression is the appropriate word. I took off for a wonderful week at CWD, and came home to find much of my world had crumbled. It is shocking how things change in just a week, or even a year for that matter.

We had several more pay cuts, massive buyouts, several managers jumping ship, and new managers that are effectively having us walk the plank on a daily basis. Our publisher even resigned, and now walking the floor of work is like walking through a ghost town full of empty desks, and remembered voices. It is stressful and sad, and very hard to not become beaten down. Between work and watching our advertisers who have been in business 100+ years go under, there has been little hope for the future.

For the past 4 months the mantra "Be thankful I have a job and insurance" are constantly racing through my brain, and yet there is little comfort.

Today things feel awkwardly different. Good things are slowly developing, and the new year is already seeing some bright spots.

1st bright spot. HP is FINALLY replacing my laptop!! After it has been sent to HP 4 (yes I said 4) times, and it still not being fixed, they are replacing it with one that is easily twice as powerful. It has been over 4 months of spending weeks at a time without a computer, hours on the phone with several customer service agents arguing over warranty info (it died one month from expiration) and several momentary excitements while it works for just a few weeks. This past Tuesday I picked it up from Fed Ex, and after having it be on for just 10 minutes, it hit a new all time record for crashing after the "blue screen", and later declared "operating system not found". Now I am borrowing my dad's Acer.

But for all the trouble I've been through, I can see a bright side. My case manager is sending me a new one next week, with a quad core, 4 Gig ram, 500 gig hard drive and many other upgrades. All I can think is that God works in mysterious ways. If it had waited just a few weeks to die, there would be no warranty. For it's timing I am truly grateful!

Bright spot #2. I am going back to school. Yeah! It starts next week, and I'm pretty nervous, because it's been sooo long since I've done this. The plan is to get some pre-reqs, and next year take both the MCAT and apply for an accelerated Master program in nursing. I can't keep letting my work stress me out, so I'm pursuing my very first interests in medicine. I have my hopes on the nursing program,. but if I do well on the MCAT, Im totally applying to med school. I'm not sure what the future holds for these careers with health care reform coming, but I'm following my heart.

Bright spot # 3. Not sure how this will fit in with school and work, but I'm dating again. It's exciting, but I'm still taking it slow.

And finally, I'm having an absolute blast playing on my Wii/Wii Fit Plus I got for Christmas. I'm totally kicking it in rhythm kung fu! Beating my blood sugars to the ground!

For everyone in the d-blogosphere, I've missed you and so much of what has been going on. Hopefully this year will bring everyone health happiness and love. It has to be better than last year! Happy New year!!!

You Pump?

2009-06-11T20:48:00.003-05:00

Have you ever heard of something or someone hiding in plain sight? It's amazing to me, how close you can be to something and not know it.

For the past (almost) 2 years, I have searched for people who understand all the new and complex details of my life as a PWD. I have found that community through my little laptop's window, in the DOC. I have gained so much more than I could have ever imagined, from this family full of strangers. It is a comfort and understanding that led me to CWD's Friends For Life, where I met some of the most amazing PWDs in person.

It was almost a week of feeling normal and most importantly understood. My parents couldn't fathom me wanting to spend my vacation at a conference focused entirely on a disease. What they didn't understand was the knowledge and support that feels like a second home.

As July approaches, I am gearing up to go back, and I am getting more excited with every day. In some ways, it is just a relief to get away from the stress of everyday life, including a second round of pay cuts, and fear about what my future holds. More importantly though, it is the camaraderie and community of real people that I crave. I long for it more often than I care to admit.

When it comes to my diabetes, in everyday life, I feel very alone. Only my very close friends know I'm diabetic, and that is pretty much the extent of their involvement. Don't misunderstand, if I'm asking for help, they are the first to come and answer my call. They will get me what ever I ask for, but if I couldn't ask, I would doubt anyone would know what to do. I don't think the diabetes would even cross their mind. I hate asking for help, or even appearing weak enough to need it. I'm classically OK. Sure, I may be bleeding profusely after falling on a pair of scissors, but just give me a minute to walk it off...I'm OK (true story).

So after keeping my D on the DL, I was surprised when a co worker and friend approached me today with the question, "Do you pump?." My look of complete astonishment must have shown in my inability to respond.
After a minute, she points to my green Ping, clipped to my pants.
"yes" is all I could get out.

Now, usually my pump is hiding somewhere on my person. The ability to bolus remotely was a HUGE selling point for my pump. In other words, I forgot that it was clipped out in plain sight. She starts asking me about our insurance benefits for pumps/supplies, since her daughter is type 1.

Now, I know this woman well. I've had lots of discussions about her daughter that's in college. About her ex-husband and their issues. How in all this time, had I not known that small piece of information. And WHY did that small conversation starter, make me feel connected in a strange new way.

Turns out that her daughter was on a Minimed with her husbands insurance, but since he's not paying her bills, she having problems with paying and getting supplies. She's also now on CGMS since, a few months ago, a friend found her passed out in her dorm room, from an almost deadly low. Her roommate was out of town, and she could not remember almost 24 hours from when she woke up in the hospital. FYI, it was an out of warranty insulin pump MALFUNCTION that caused the low. REALLY SCARY!

Regardless of the scary and terrible story, I walked away from our conversation hopeful. She knows. She understands. Her daughter is coming down next week, and I will get to meet her, and show her my pump as I explain our current benefits to my friend (she's thinking about switching her over to her insurance, so she could get a new pump.) Right now, I am left wondering who else may share this bond, and what other things, do I and others close to me, not know about one another. I would certainly love to find out.

Dear Endo...

2009-05-19T19:08:00.007-05:00

Dear Endo,
Yet again, I walk through your double doors, expecting to hear angels singing, while feeling the white, warm light, shining down on my face. It is fitting after all, since I have place you on this pedestal, that sits high enough to be in the heavens. No other doctor, compares to you. You are the only one who can see the true me, the sick me, even though that is not how I feel or look.

I approach, awaiting my judgment day. I get ready to stand before your nurses, with high blood pressure and nerves, hoping you will, sometime soon, grace me with your presence.

I prepare, plan and wait for this moment, each time that I come. Sometimes, just thinking about this moment scares me into submission, and other times, it leads me to rebel.

I am anxious, and eager to hear what you have to say. Each time, I hope that your answers will dramatically change my life in a profound way. Secretly, I know you have the cure to that sick side, that I hide. With each question I ask, I am chipping away slowly to the perfect treatment, or permanent solution that you hold somewhere in that room, that has the damn scale.

Instead, I am brought back down to reality. There is no singing. The only white light is coming from obscenely fluorescent lights. The nurses are dripping in hospital blue and sporting crocs instead of halos. My blood pressure and BG are the only thing rising to the heavens at this moment.

My judgment comes with a new, in house, A1c machine that immediately sucked, after it delivered a number of 11.4 (note to self.. in heaven, it wouldn't have moved from 5.8)

And then you enter my room, slightly shorter than I remember, with a speed and demeanor that said you weren't taking questions. You balk at me, offer no answers, and then request to babysit me and my basals by having me fax my logs daily. You finally entertain my question about the problem behind me, and can tell me little. When I press you about the lipoatrophy, you get annoyed, leave the room and do a consult next door. Your loud voices, carry to my room, and I now know, none of you have actually seen it in practice. After a little referencing, you return with a anecdote of, "It's just a random side effect of the insulin. Let me know if it happens again and we'll change your insulin again"

I leave now realizing (once again) that you are not a god. I care, and know more about MY health than anyone - even you. This disease is mine, and I am responsible for it completely.

I leave today feeling so grateful for all the info and support from my DOC community, that far surpass your "team" that treat my disease. I wonder why I need to see you so often, but I've decided, that you can write my scripts and order my tests. period.

Someone needs to call an ambulance!

2009-05-13T19:44:00.003-05:00

OK, so lately things have been better. No new dents or craters, and I've found the adjustment to Apidra pretty seamless. And then came today, where the world started turning in the opposite direction, and everything became somewhat surreal.

A little back story about work. We have been changing a lot in reference to a new and poorly defined work flow. My boss is pretty incompetent (and I'm being extremely nice).

Lately my usually cheery demeanor has been, well less cheery out of sheer frustration. On top of this, our workplace is making us jump through all kinds of medical wellness hoops to get the full insurance subsidy from the company (a whole other future post.)We are having to get mandatory blood drawn (AT WORK) for tests, along with BMI and blood pressure tests. The goal is to find health problems early.

Today, was my day to be singled out.

I started with the usual routine, with the exception of having to fast for my blood tests in the afternoon. I'm not sure if my tolerance was low because I was food deprived or I was actually low, but I lost my buffer. You know, the one that keeps you from saying what you are REALLY thinking. One of my close friends, had repeatedly said I was in "rare form". So of course, this would be the day my boss would pull me into a conference room to "talk". He said he was concerned, not about my work, but he thought he was seeing that I had reservations about our new system. He asked me to share my concerns, because he genuinely wanted feedback.

I kept thinking, TODAY?!? Your asking me today?. I quietly attempted to pull myself back, and I said, "What I think really isn't important." Please let this go!! Please! Of course he didn't and so it came out. everything. Every grievance, every assault on his management skills, everything thing he was doing wrong and how it affected the group as a whole. I couldn't believe I was speaking unbuffered. Who was I? I didn't even recognize myself.

Now USUALLY, my boss gets quiet and ends the conversation as soon as he doesn't approve of the direction. Instead, he listened and talked it out AND APOLOGIZED A LOT!!!! For over an hour, he listened to my plight and conceded. Who was he? He certainly did not resemble my boss of over 10 years. We worked a lot of things out and walked out actually laughing. I still have trouble believing it, and I am surprised at how much better I feel to have voiced all that resentment (although I still feel like HR might call me).

So, about 30 minutes later, I was off for my tests. I filled out my form (which doesn't have a place to put diabetic), and got my blood work, via finger stick, done. It was officially completed with a large bandaid I have to laugh at. I mean, if I did that after every pin prick, I would look pretty silly.

I waited for my name to be called, and when I approached, she was praising my cholesterol, BP and BMI. And then I heard it. "this can't be right. let me check that...you said your fasting?" "Yes" I replied. Pacing back and forth from the machines, I hear her say, " this can't be right. Someone look at this...Is the machine working? It is? Someone needs to call an ambulance. QUICKLY!!! Her blood sugar is 410!"

After being waived off several times, she finally heard me AFTER she announce to THE ENTIRE ROOM my blood sugar. "I have diabetes!" I was trying not to alert everyone of my health condition, but I had to practically yell to get her attention.

Her reaction was so anticlimactic. "Oh, well nevermind. So, here are your results, do you have any questions?" Yeah, what happened to the privacy act... So I ducked my head, and retrieved my bags and went home (it was now after quitting time).I was still in shock on my drive home. I know stress can raise BG numbers, but 410? I rage bolused and drove home, and I am now around 240 and tired. I plan on taking a hot bath, and going to bed early tonight. Maybe tomorrow, the world will return to normal, or I will wake up finding out it was just a dream

Butt...I don't understand!

2009-05-07T18:20:00.002-05:00

I've often thought that I had gremlins hiding away in my house. Lurking near my dryer, waiting for that one sock they can hijack out of a clean load of laundry. Or they are sneaking in my purse to steal my keys, and place them in the oddest of locations.

This is how I like to explain things to myself, when things are missing or lost. It is certainly not the forgetful nature of my now 30 year old self. Most of the time, things show back up before a true crisis can't commence.

Butt...
I'm missing something I'm VERY attached to. I noticed it, night before last while attempting to do a set change, and I am completely horrified over it.

I've only been on a pump since November, and I've only been using insulin for less than 2 years. In that time, I have been warned about only one side effect to the insulin. Hypoglycemia. It seemed a small price to pay for my life, therefore I accepted it. So, I was really surprised to see that when I went to take out my old site, sitting at the top of my butt/hip was a HUGE DENT, where I used to have muscle and fat. It's like the insulin just dissolved everything within a half dollar size around the cannula. Literally skin over bone, and quite disturbing.

I was clearly to upset to attempt to put in a new site, and with no current script for long acting insulin, I spent the entire night, rotating shots of Novolog in any place, not visible to the average person, for fear of having another crater appear. I called my Dr. who switched me to Apidra, and gave me a Levemir script, just in case. He did not want to see me, and said since I'm coming in, in about a week or 2, to just wait. But I have to admit, I am really disturbed. No one said this could happen, and the Dr. didn't give me any explanation either. Like most any woman, losing a little fat isn't a bad thing, but this is downright disfiguring. I'm just lucky that it is in a more hidden place.

So far, the Apidra hasn't caused another problem, but I find myself constantly feeling my butt, to see if anything is different. Not the best way to impress co-workers by the way. I look up every now and again to see someone staring in disbelief at me. Oops.

I am still very afraid of the insulin at this time. While there has not been a reaction since, I've gone almost 2 years on insulin, and months with the pump with no problem until WHAM (not the group). HUGE DENT.

Anyone have any experience with this, or have at least heard of this happening? I've read many posts about getting fatty lumps from overuse, but not this.

DOWN Like the Market

2009-03-27T19:45:00.004-05:00

Lately my mood has been ... well down.

With all the lay offs around me and fears of what the future might bring, I can't help but feel unprepared and helpless. Last Monday, we were told that everyone in our company would have to take a mandatory 2 week unpaid furlough. Granted, I count myself very lucky not to be laid off, or have a permanent pay cut. Many of our sister papers have had 15% across the board pay cuts, lay offs, and many have closed. My friends regularly send me cartoons with the newspapers labeled RIP in graveyards and such. Last week, my mom called and got my voice mail at work. When I called her back, she was absolutely panicked because my voice mail said that I "could no be reached at this extension." She just knew I was fired (thanks mom!). As it stands, we have had 6 people moved out of the design department leaving the remaining few of us overworked. The stress and uncertainty is wreaking havoc on my control.

Worry is sometimes a helpful tool. I do not know if our industry will survive, and so I have spent a lot of time dwelling on what I need to do to prepare. My faith is helping me though so far, and faith sometimes works in mysterious ways.

I have taken the past 2 days off. Work is really busy, and since I now have over 5 weeks off, it seemed like a good time. It has been a great break, today especially.

I went on a relaxed mid-morning run at the local greenway. As I was heading back toward my car, 6 bikers flew past me. I noticed that one of them was a multiple amputee. He had lost his left leg at the hip and left arm at the elbow. AND HE WAS RIDING THAT ROAD BIKE WITH ONE LEG! AMAZING!

When I got to my car, they were all gathered around the parking lot. There were at least 20 military amputees, and they were all in competitive training. Most were on road bikes, some were on arm powered bikes.They even had service dogs who were romping around the bikes, clearly having a blast. They were all so nice and positive and INSPIRING! I talked to a few of them, and words can't describe how I felt afterward. It certainly put my life and attitude in check. Like with any disability or obstacle, it seems like spirit and true determination can overcome.

I left there feeling hopeful, optimistic, and oddly powerful. It was just what I needed for my stock to go up.

Insurance Woes

2009-01-26T21:42:00.012-06:00

I'm feeling much better today, after worrying all weekend over a huge and inaccurate bill I received from Animas. It seems after the pump bill was sent and paid by my insurance provider, Animas has decided to go after a new contract rate. Friday, I received a bill for a large part of it. Now it's being straightened out, and I'm pretty sure my insurance will stick to their guns, but just the thought of all that extra money has made my stomach do somersaults.

In general, I seem to have a sensitive panic button. That really bothers me. Even knowing there was nothing I could do over the weekend, that I knew it was probably a huge mistake, and that worrying was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but making me ill, I still focused on the worst possible scenarios. I can't stand that I do that.

I can tell myself that it keeps me from ever being disappointed or even surprised, but that's not really true. I think maybe, not having complete control is almost intolerable. It seems preparing for all possibilities, even the worst, gives me the feeling of control. An instant way to reclaim order and prepare. In the mean time, I'm sure it detracts me from enjoying the time in between, and is taking years off my life via stress.

Diabetes has certainly left me feeling vulnerable and insecure at times (too often). Especially when I think about money, insurance, and the fact that I will be dependent on these for the rest of my life. Being at the hands of other people to help control/manage my health is humbling and sobering. I've never had much need to become familiar with doctors & specialists. I've had little experience with dealing with insurance companies and things like coverage. That is until diabetes arrived.

Just two weeks ago, I had to spend over 2 hours on the phone with my insurance company, when a computer glitch caused my insulin to be denied. MY INSULIN. MY LIFE. That's pretty scary if you simply don't have the money to pay full price. (I did find out that they covered CGM at 100%, so not a completely bad call)

It's so hard to find a balance between preparedness, and pessimism. I've spent most of the day feeling silly for the anger and worry, that my friends were talking me down from on Friday. I'm sure as time goes on, I will be a pro at handling all the bumps in the road that come from diabetes. But I wish I didn't have to. I wish no one had to. maybe one day...

PRESTO!

2009-01-20T18:11:00.006-06:00

Last Friday, I got a UPS notice that something required my adult signature and that they have missed me twice on delivery. Since then, it has been torturing me that I don't know who it's from or what it is. The only info I could get from the tracking # was that it was from Massachusetts. Adult signature required... could it be pump stuff? No, I haven't ordered any. A belated Christmas gift? No, I don't know anyone from there. I repeat, it was absolutely driving me nuts.

So today I come home to a UPS package in front of my door. I suppose signatures are not required on Tuesdays. Of course, I run upstairs and open it, before I could even let my dog out. I sliced open the package and Presto! No really, that's what it was. I got the Agamatrix Presto meter that I signed up for IN JULY at the CWD conference. It came complete with every pamphlet they could throw at you, an extra customized leopard case, red meter and a discount cards for strips.

Now I would be really excited if it came with actual sample strips. I've heard from a lot of people that Agamatrix meters, like the Keynote, are pretty accurate. This is why, it was the only meter I was super interested in at the conference.

It did come with the discount card, but NO ONE sells their strips (or meters) in B'ham in retail. NO ONE! I will have to order them online, where I can't use the discount card. Now, in all fairness, their strips are really reasonably priced, but I would like to actually try it before investing further. I also hate having to wait on something to ship before I get to use my new and nifty gadget.

Curious to excited to disappointed in a matter of minutes. Oh well, till I get around to ordering anything, it will be one more meter I get to add to the diabetes closet.

New Year, New Hope, New Vlog

2009-01-19T16:43:00.012-06:00

OK, so it's a new year, and I've made no resolutions, because then I would surely fail. Instead, in my optimism following a long and much needed vacation, I'm working on trying new things. Better D-management, new foods, new books, and even trying to vlog. I know, I know... what was I thinking! Well, I'm probably not, so I'm apologizing in advance for the poor quality (computer webcam) and the ugly picture (Oh wait that's just me!) I really hope I look better in person, but I digress.

1st Offical Vlog from Mandysweetlife on Vimeo.

In case you can't hear me, I'm basically curious on every one's opinions on A1c vs meter averages. Mine never match and I've just about decided that my meter doesn't really count. Especially since I got back another A1c this weekend and it hasn't changed at all. It's a great A1c of 5.8, and I really won't complain. My averages on my meter however have been 209, 197 and 197 for my 30, 60, & 90 day overall average. Does a blood sugar of 300 really affect you if it doesn't show in the long term perspective? That's my internal fear. I'm trying to determine whether to actually start basal testing and carb ratio testing (you know, really USING my pump), but I'm not sure it's worth it. My doc was pretty easy going last week, so when I told him "I'm good", he didn't question. Makes for very quick and painless visits with no logs or downloads included.

If you choose to watch my very amateur vlog, the password is sweetlife. I plan to vlog more if people actually want to see it. Certainly no hard feelings if you don't. I just know how much I enjoy those of you who already vlog. Thanx!

One Week

2008-12-01T20:34:00.003-06:00

This has been a crazy, hectic and wonderfully exhausting holiday week. I hope everyone had fantastic Thanksgiving and I look forward to finally getting a chance to read what is going on around the D-blogasphere.

In my world, there has been so much to post about, with little time to do so. To top off all my holiday madness, of family and unrecognizable homemade casseroles, it has been exactly one week since I started using my insulin pump.

Last Monday, I walked into my CDE's office a little anxious, nervous and slightly pessimistic. I had a few moments in the training session, where I actually felt guilty that my CDE noticed I wasn't sharing her excitement and thrill for me. I'm not terribly good at faking it. Three hours later I walked out a little more excited, but now even more self conscious.

That first few days were shaky. There were many calls from my trainer (sometimes twice in one night). I kept hearing about the possibility of going low, but instead I was running high. I was correcting with every blood sugar check. The testing seemed constant and tiring especially with the 3AM tests. I have easily been testing more in the last week than in the entire last year.

Wednesday afternoon I had a breaking point. I felt terrible, and stressed (Thanksgiving is our biggest paper of the year.) I figured I was low, so I tested.
5.4.3.2.1..445?! Not the number I was expecting, but it explained my crabbiness and cottonmouth. After a rundown of things, I discovered blood in my tubing. I took a shot, pulled the site out, and just about gave up.

Thanksgiving came and so did my blessed family. After a long talk with my cousin, (who's a nurse), I gave my pump another chance. I even tried a new feature, the combo bolus, which came in handy during an afternoon of Thanksgiving grazing. My cousin made me realize that it's not the pump I hate, it's the visible representation of the disease. As my cousin put it, I should look at it as a wonderful advancement made in the treatment of the disease. Just one of many to come and I should be grateful to have access to the many tools that are available to allow me to live life to it's fullest. He's right. I've thought a lot about what he said, and realized I have not really given the pump a chance. I have taken for granted this amazing little piece of machinery.

Today, I am still having numbers that are slightly high, but I am a work in progress. I have discovered the temporary basal feature, and I'm in love with it. Amazingly, I have not had ONE LOW! I have also been thrilled with giving boluses and corrections that are so very precise. While I'm still adjusting to having a new extension of myself, the pump most certainly beats shots any day of the week.

Tomorrow I see my Endo for a follow up. I don't know if this visit will be any different, but I do know the pump is a keeper and I am thankful.

Jump to the Pump

2008-11-12T21:38:00.004-06:00

Friday afternoon, I received a call from downstairs postal that a large package had arrived for me. With complete excitement I went downstairs to find that my pump and 3 months of supplies had finally come. As I struggled to carry the package (yes, I broke a heel while trying to carry the heavy, awkward box), people were surrounding me asking me what I had gotten. I immediately became quiet, not really wanting to answer. I simply shrugged.

Once I got home, I was once again in pump euphoria and quickly started pulling out box after box to get to the most important one. The actual box containing the pump was huge and I ripped into it. It contained all kinds of books, sample sets, the pump, meter, software...basically everything but the kitchen sink. I quickly put a few batteries in and was ready to play.

Having tried the pump at CWD, I was already a little familiar with many of the buttons and features. Still, I was just like a kid at Christmas playing with a new toy.

I decided to wear it around for a couple of days just to get used to it, and found that I became annoyed. v.e.r.y. annoyed. Within just one day, I started questioning my decision. Suddenly it felt like a reminder, something I couldn't just take off once I was "live." It's one thing to love a gadget, and be happy about the possibility of having some flexibility, but I really hadn't THOUGHT about what it would be like to have this thing with me 24/7.

So here's my dilemma. My pump trainer (and oh so amazing CDE) wants me to train the week of Thanksgiving. Waiting wouldn't really be a bad thing, BUT I only have 30 days from PUMP SHIP DATE to decide if I want to keep it. Earlier I would have never thought returning it would have been a consideration, but now? Well, I don't know. I would like to have some time to actually be using the pump for a little while so I can make an informed decision. Am I wrong? Is a 3 week wait to train the norm, when you have a 30 return policy?

There's also the issue of something going wrong at a holiday. Will someone be available if I need them. I have a follow up with my doc on Dec. 2 and I'm supposed to see him after I've been on the pump a few weeks, but that's just 1. Should I reschedule even if it means they can't see me for another month or 2?? I just don't know.

What I do know is that I was already disappointed about the recall delay; that over $1,000 dollars is a lot to pay if I'm not certain; that starting the pump around the holidays in general seems tricky; that I'm not so sure and excited like I was initially. Any Finally, I know that all the extra calls, appointments and hassles just to order the pump,supplies and strips (while also making sure everything is covered by insurance), have felt like I was jumping through never ending hoops. I mean who knew the easiest and quickest thing was actually getting the insurance approval itself.

In short, I am having severe pre-pump jitters, and I might be a "runaway" pumper.

D Bloging Day

2008-11-09T22:11:00.004-06:00

Just one year ago, I wrote my first D-blog day post. I was just a few months out from diagnosis and still trying to find out how I'd changed, I looked to a new community on the internet to find other voices of those who understood. It seemed almost impossible at that time to believe that others were living with this disease, and yet I found people who were not just living, but thriving with it.

In the past year, I have found those of you, both online and in person, who continue to inspire me. You have done something even more important than that. You have given me a new sense of normal. I have on and off struggled with new situations and constant adjustments, which could have left me feeling completely isolated. Instead, through you I have seen the same small victories and defeats. The simple thrill of a lower A1c or the frustration of an unexpected low. You provide advice and experience better than any doctor or book. You are in a word irreplaceable. For this, I thank all of you.

Doctor's copay..$30. Insulin...$25. Feeling like everyone else...PRICELESS.

The One Word Meme

2008-11-03T19:59:00.006-06:00

OK, So first I have to show the scary creature greeting my guests at my Halloween Party on Friday. For the record, she's a vampire, but her hair seem to overshadow the cute little bugg-eyed hat. Oh well, I was afraid (of how upset she looked in the costume).

Next is the one word meme floating around, that Sara tagged me for. I wish I had paid more attention this weekend because it would have been a great start to a month of blogging. I had planned to NaBloPoMo this month like last year, but Nov. 1 came on a Saturday...Oops. Too late now.

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your significant other? who?
3. Your Hair? brown
4. Your Skin? transparent
5. Your mother? caring
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? wierd
8. Your favorite drink? diet
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your ex? married
12. Your fear? failure
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled
14.Where were you last night? church
15.What you’re not? afraid
16.Muffins? BLUEBERRY!
17.One of your wish list items? cure
18.Where you grew up? South
19.The last thing you did? ran
20.What are you wearing? sweats
21.Your TV? occasionally
22.Your pets? spoiled
23. Your computer? overheated
24. Your life? strange
25. Your mood? content
26. Missing someone? brother
27. Your car? Accord
28. Something you’re not wearing? contacts
29. Favorite Store? Forstalls
30. Your summer? quick
31. Like someone? possibility...
32. Your favorite color? Red
33. When is the last time you laughed? recently
34. Last time you cried? fortnight
35. Who will respond to this? anyone
36. Who’s answers are you anxious to see? yours

Wonderful Days Off

2008-10-30T14:30:00.003-05:00

Waking up late and gradually starting my day with a hot, creme brulee flavored coffee. Staying in my pjs until I've finished with breakfast. Reading the newspaper and seeing the ads, instead of working on them. These are just a few reasons I thrive on just having one or two random days off.

I am about to go to the park with my puppy, snacks, blankets, and a good book to just read under the trees. I feel such freedom, and I feel a little like I'm playing hooky that just heightens everything I couldn't normally do on a Thursday afternoon. Later I will pack up and run with Chloe in an attempt to thaw my undoubtedly frozen behind. I will stay up late tonight watching scary movies knowing that I don't have to work tomorrow either. And finally tomorrow I will prepare my house for my annual Halloween party, which is by far one of my favorite holidays. Even getting diabetes could not spoil my love affair with endless candy (and Saturday ON SALE candy) and cheesy scary movies.

Days like this, I now notice, also throw a slight wrench in my diabetes management. Waking up slow and late, while so indulgent, seem to cause terribly high blood sugars that also start off my day. This morning I was a very unhealthy 308, and I had to wait a bit for my insulin to kick in before my coffee and raisin toast. While I usually take my basal in the very early(5am) morning, this 6 hour delay will no doubt keep my blood sugars off track the rest of the day. It is however a small price to pay for my mini vacation, because after all I think every diabetic needs a break from rigid management.

For now I'm off to enjoy this beautiful weather and a glorious day away from responsibility!

One eye open

2008-10-17T14:33:00.004-05:00

I am writing this post with just one eye open, in an amazingly dark room. Why?

...because I have apparently developed a very bad habit of sleeping with my eyes partially open. At least that is what my ophthalmologist told me today, after she gracefully worked me into an emergency appointment.

You see, I woke up at 3AM this morning with severe pain in my left eye. It felt like someone had planted glass under my eyelids. Upon waking, my eye would not even be forced open, and was just as watery and painful closed. Light had become my enemy, and with the waterworks also came the runny nose. I swear, I'll never understand how the nose and eyes are connected that way.

Forget about work. I sat in a dark room with a cold pack on my eye, waiting until the doctors office opened. For a while, I considered rushing to the Eye Foundation Hospital's emergency room, but convinced myself to suck it up and wait for the doctor's office to open. My next dilemma, which doctor to see? I haven't seen anything but an optometrist for years. In an effort to be seen today, I called the last eye doctor I remember.

The receptionist answered the call, and I told her my problem and included the fact that I had seen her (the eye doctor) before. It helped! She squeezed me in at 10:30, and I patiently waited until it was time to leave. Of course, I have to drive in terrible rainy weather with only one contact, while in pain, totally light phobic and squinting. I am very blessed I got there in one piece, but not without getting lost. Her office had moved...oops. So I got there a little late, and apologized to the receptionist.
"I thought you said you had seen her before," she said very disgruntled. " I have, but it was a long time ago," I replied. She then said she would check the archives. AND THEY FOUND ME! They had my records back from 1996. I am still impressed. The doctor even remembered me.

So back to my eye. I have a corneal ulcer that is horizontal and placed directly across the center of my eye. How did this happen? Well, the eye doc has seen this before, and thinks I sleep with my eyes partially open. This leaves my eyes extremely dry, and predisposes my eyelid to stick to my eye. When I opened my eye, my eyelid, literally peeled back the top layer of my cornea. OUCH! She continued on to say that it is more common in diabetics, and that it would take longer to heal as well. joy.

For now I'm covered in all kinds of drops and oily ointments, but nothing for pain. I'm also in glasses for at least a month, which means I have to buy new ones. Mine were stepped on and cracked about a month ago. I'll just have to get a very stylish pair of frames, and call it a new look.

On the pump front, I ordered my pump yesterday with mixed emotions. Pure excitement over the pump, but a little depression over my test results. My endo sent me a letter Wednesday with the instructions to order the pump and included my c-peptide and A1C. A1c was good, but my C-peptide was unmeasurable with a fasting BG of 176. 6 months ago, I had a positive c-peptide. I guess I still have lingering feelings that I am not "insulin dependent". Tests now show otherwise. I guess, I knew it was inevitable. Now, I have to wait on insurance approval and waiting is not my strong suit, but at least it's Friday. I have all weekend for my eye to recover without worrying about work. For that I am grateful.

Loooong time - No blog

2008-10-13T19:24:00.002-05:00

I woke up late this morning (like 5 minutes before I was supposed to be at work)...
and realized that it was already October.

It's not the calendar that clues me in to this, but the season. It's harder to get up when the sun is still hiding from me as my alarm goes off. It's cooler, with a distinctive breeze that races through my apartment when my windows are open. It's the need to go on long walks in the early mornings or weekends just to be outside with all the beautiful reds and oranges as the leaves change. It is by far, my favorite time of year.

It's interesting to me that this year, it has quite literally snuck up on me. So many things have happened (and are happening) that I feel as if I'm being carried away by that strong October wind.

A quick recap.
1. My workplace has started trimming the fat with buyouts, and I have been on two job interviews in the last week. I'm not worried about my job, but the environment is getting tense!
2. My brother went missing for well over 2 months. I actually had to call the police in Spokane, to go by and check out his house. No help though. His car was gone and it just left us wondering. I found out two weeks ago that he's in China visiting a friend and attending a wedding. CHINA!!! You'd think if you were going to China for months, you would TELL SOMEONE!!! While I'm glad he's well, he might be in mortal danger the next time I see him!
3. I had a long talk with my doctor last week. Just when I'm ready to fire him, he changes. He was so cool, nice, funny and we actually communicated. Turns out, he didn't trust me to be on the pump. He was afraid I would manipulate my insulin, and would not take it seriously. He apparently thought the last time I had DKA, I was deliberately trying to lose weight. Foolish him. So now...

I AM GETTING A PUMP!!!!!

I am waiting to hear from him this week about my updated labs... and then we order the pump!!! He made a follow up for Dec. 2, and according to my nurse, that should be after I've been on the pump for a few weeks. That means I should be using the pump in less than a month. I'll probably be posting a lot during this time. I can't believe how excited I am about a medical device...Sad. Today, it would have saved me. In my attempt to rush to work, I forgot my basal shot. The extra trip home at lunch sucked.

For the record, I woke up at 6:55 am, and walked in the door to work at 7:10. Damn, I'm good!

So Pumped!

2008-07-31T20:15:00.004-05:00

Goofy picture aside, I'm so pumped about pumping!

Last week at the CWD conference, I had the unexpected pleasure of trying out 2 insulin pumps with saline. The plan was to ask my doc for a script before the conference, but I sank with intimidation during the actual visit. Fortunately for me, there were nice people available at the various pump companies who were writing scripts. SHHHH! Don't tell. Imagine my surprise when the rep said, "do you want to try it?" -Yeah!

In my excitement to try the pod, I almost forgot about the insertion factor. You know, that unexplainable fear of something not just poking me with a large needle, but ACTUALLY REMAINING UNDER MY SKIN. This has long been a road block in my interest for a pump. I was pleasantly relieved when they placed the pod on the back of my arm, and the most painful part was waiting for the pod to strike. No pain. AT ALL. Heck, a finger stick was more painful than that.

The next day I was Pinged by Animas. Again the excitement almost surpassed the fear. We got to do the complete prep of filling the reservoir and rewinding the pump. I was totally fascinated, but as we pulled out the Inset 30 (the one with that really long needle), my fear returned in full force. This was different than the pod. The pod required no real work from me. I just awaited the needle. This one required that I cocked it like a GUN, aimed and shot myself with this device. I prepped it and held it up against my skin, feeling my face begin to redden. The trainer counted down to the count of 3.

3. 2. 1.

Nothing.

I couldn't do it. It's just not normal. I felt as though it was my first self-injection, surreal and invasive. I told the woman that I couldn't do it in the most serious tone. She answered back very up beat, "Sure you can!" WHAP! She nailed me on my back, and out of surprise I pushed down on the buttons. It was in before I even realized I did it. No pain, no discomfort, and no reason for that massive anxiety.

The rest of the day, I was flashing my site in triumph and playing around with every feature on the pump and ping I could figure out. With all the saline boluses, I was being seasoned like a ham. I played with it for a full day, and even had my first occasion to figure out where to put it in a dress. The ping makes that so easy! I hid it on the back of my bra and then bolused with the ping in my purse. No need to mess with the pump at all. VERY COOL!

Between the insertion sites and being attached to something 24/7, I had reservations. Now I'm having pump envy against all of you who wear a pump. The flexibility and control is unmatched by shots and pens. I still don't think I could do the pod pump, because I know I would lose the controller. If it's life saving AND ultra important, it doesn't stand a shot of staying around. The other pumps are now in serious running against each other for my love and affection. Now, if I can just get my doctor on board.

HOLY GUACAMOLE: A Recipe for Friends For Life

2008-07-28T15:36:00.007-05:00

This month began with my first diabetes birthday and ended with my first CWD Friends For Life Conference. There could be no better name for such a life changing experience for anyone who is touched by Type 1 diabetes.

Children, parents, grandparents and adults, from more than a dozen countries, affected by this disease, gathered together and welcomed each other with open arms in a way I have never seen before. A family like no other, and I met the most amazing new friends as seen on Manny's blog.

Those friends and family who knew I was planning to attend this conference, never ceased to remind me that I am not a child OR a parent of a child with diabetes. Truth is, I didn't need to be. I shuffled around learning all kinds of lessons in both formal classes and from new friends. I have many stories to tell, but for now I'll leave you with just a few of the things I learned:

1. I'm not the only "young" adult with diabetes in the world... who knew!
2. The word Guacamole or Guac makes an excellent substitute for some other
unsavory words that might pass through my lips around innocent ears (Sorry
kids, if I slipped occasionally)
3. INSULIN PUMPS ROCK!!!!!
4. I must fire my dictator, I mean doctor.
5. Some people, like Sara, are really good at board walk games
6. And most importantly, I AM NOT ALONE.

Thank you to all those wonderful angels I met this past week!

In Honor of My Mother

2008-05-11T20:59:00.004-05:00

Today, I just wanted to give love and thanks to my mother.

Throughout my life, she has picked me up when I have stumbled. She has believed in me when I have not. She has shaped and guided me through every obstacle and important decision. Even today at thirty, she still sees me as her little girl.

I know that motherhood is a beautiful thing. It fosters an unconditional love that is unlike anything else. I see that love come to light through my mother, with every glance she gives me, and every phone call I get at the glimpse of possible bad weather.
Every sacrifice she has made for me, both big and small is remembered. Like the way she cared for me after I came home from a 3 week hospital visit, after my appendix ruptured. She even drove to the store late one night in curlers, and a fur coat over her housecoat to satisfy my craving for Delta Gold potato chips when my appetite was pretty poor.

While sometimes I take her love for granted, or just don't realize her advice is coming from a place of love and protection, I always know that I am stronger for her being behind me through life.

Thank you mom, God has blessed my life with you. Happy Mother's Day!

Actively Atkins

2008-04-24T10:55:00.004-05:00

I'm trying something new. Well, it's not really new, but to me it is. It's the Atkin's diet.

It seems to make sense that if I eat extremely low carb/no carb, maybe I can forgo a good bit of insulin (AKA shots/lows). My only major problem (besides my love of bread & crackers)? I don't really eat meat. So I'm trying to come up with new and good foods to add to my new daily routine. I love fish, so that's a given, and of course, while I'm not a huge fan of nuts, walnuts are now a good snack substitute.

Another question I have is the inevitable, do I need insulin with this, and how much? I responsibly asked my doctor about this, and he got very upset about the idea. Seems he is not a fan, nor is the nurse he sent in to "set me straight." So I have no help from the medical profession, but I know there have to be other people out there with diabetes who follow Atkins, right? I still don't understand why everyone seems so against it.

By all means, if anyone out there has gone low carb, and has suggestions, please let me know. I would be terribly grateful.

You have to be kidding me!

2008-04-22T21:57:00.005-05:00

OK. In the spirit of my new positivity, I planned on calling the Psychologist on Monday. I pulled out the sticky note and stared at it for a minute. Two hours later, I got up the nerve to actually pick up the phone and dial. Four rings and I hung up. That felt like the longest four rings of my life, and before the 5th rolled around, I knew it wasn't meant to be.

Heck, what do I need to see him for! right??

Three hours pass, and I try again, determined to do this. After ring TWELVE, the answering machine picks up, and if you think I'm leaving a message then clearly you don't know me. I mean does anybody even really work there?

TODAY: After much internal debate and serious struggle, I try again. Eureka! There is actually somebody on the other end. This was by far the ONLY ANSWER I received today.

I asked the woman politely if Dr. B. was accepting new patients, and if he accepted my insurance. She didn't reply to the first question, but told me "the group" took my insurance. She then told me she didn't know if he did and put me on hold for 25 minutes. She then directed me to my insurance co., to ask them if he was a participating provider. I also found out, that without insurance, he was $175 per 45-50 minutes. I am SO in the wrong profession. With my insurance, it would cost me a $50 copay. much better.

I knew that referral to my insurance spelled trouble. Last time I called my insurance co. about insulin pump coverage they told me they didn't know what pumps they covered. I should call my DME provider, as they are 100% in charge of getting/approving a pump?.? These are the same people who send me my strips and needles a week late, and bill me for self administered injestions.

I, in a very positive way, go ahead and call the insurance customer service. Again, I was told they didn't know (SHOCK!). First, they told me to call the doctor and ask him. When I explained to them that the doc's office told me to call my insurance co., they directed me to the group which employs the doctors. A 1-800 number, option 2. So I dial that number and hit option 2. I was presented with 3 new options that had only to do with medicare. MEDICARE???

OK. So I dial the # again and listen to all the options (again 3). 1- For employees 2- For medicare 3- for employers/doctors referrals

I press 1?? And get a person. YEAH!!!

"I'm trying to find out if a doctor is on my insurance's provider list, can you help me?"

"Sure, what is his name?"

"Dr. B"

"Could you give me a phone # for him, so I can verify that this is the right Doctor?"

"Sure, it's xxx-xxxx"

"Yes he is a provider." And she hung up.

Now, tell me if I'm crazy, but all she told me was that he was a doctor." I KNEW THAT! She never asked me my name, address or most importantly MY INSURANCE CO!

Now, besides thinking that while phones work great for communication, people really stink at it, I firmly believe this was not meant to be. I shouldn't need therapy session just to get me to the therapist in the first place!

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. maybe.

Incredibly Late

2008-04-20T18:45:00.008-05:00

Once again, I'm so very late to the party. I'm late to this wonderful meme that Beth tagged me with, and even to Raise Your Voice day created by Kerri. That is an absolutely amazing event she started, and I'm just now making my way through all those powerful and touching links!

It's been awhile since I've blogged or even truly engaged in my daily check-ins with all the wonderful writers who blog on the DOC. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am.

So many things have happened, life has caught up and slowed down, like I'm racing on a faulty treadmill, all the while never seeing any change of scenery. I have run to my laptop many times desperately wanting to unload and write, but after booting it up just couldn't find the words. My thoughts just seem too fast,too cluttered and too many to sort through.

Like many things in my life, sometimes it's just easier to compartmentalize aspects of my life that are too difficult, emotionally stressful, or just too time consuming to deal with. Lately, that has been my entire life, and right now, it seems I'm just pushing through to the next minute, hour or day that creeps up. AND THAT IS JUST NO LONGER WORKING FOR ME.

Evidence in point, my diabetes. Yes, I'm diabetic (I have to keep telling myself this). It has become my mantra, as of late. Yes, I'm really diabetic...check your sugar....take your insulin...count those carbs...and breath. Stress is apparently a very serious danger to the diabetic. Case in point, yet another trip to the ER for dehydration and high blood sugars. At least I got to leave after 11 hours in the ER, so thankfully no hospital stay, but still this added even more stress. I had gotten so busy and distracted with work and freelance deadlines that I just stopped checking my BGs. Every now and then when I would check it, it was always in the upper 300's to 400's. My first thought, my meter is sooo off or I must not have clean fingers. It wasn't until I realized I had lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks, that I actually checked for ketones and of course had them. To make a long story short, I postponed seeing the doctor for work reasons (even after they offered to fit me in) until I was sick and he sent me to the ER.

Then I was angry, at all the money the ER and all the follow-up visits were putting on me, as well as the time involved. In truth the anger was about me, and all the trouble that could have been avoided with some care and simple stress management. I can no longer pretend that my diabetes isn't a priority in my life. I'm really dense and late to that realization as well.

The hardest part now, is the fact that even when I take care and time to tend to my diabetes, it still doesn't behave the way I want it too. Too little insulin and I run high, definitely not enough internal production to keep me afloat. With the larger doses that my doctor wants me on, it seems some of my beta cells perk up a bit, and suddenly there is a surge and unexpected low. I feel like I have lost all control, and that makes me so unsettled. Most of these days, getting online for support, even if it means enjoying all my favorite blogs, has just been too difficult.

This week,I have finally taken the serenity prayer to heart. I've also been reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle. My goal now, is not to change what I can't, but accept and move forward. In that light, I have gotten the name of a therapist who has dealt quite a bit with diabetes, and he comes with the highest regard. I have also consulted with my CDE and dear friend, who has helped me quite a bit! Tomorrow, I am taking a deep breath and finally making the call to the therapist.

I guess today I am Raising My Voice about type 1 diabetes and now what it means to embrace it as a part of me. In the spirit of Beth's meme, here are my six words.

Learning To Love, Living Out Loud.

These seem to be the most appropriate to my life today, and seeing how late I am, I won't pass it along since most people have already received the tag. Thanks Beth! It is a hard meme, but well worth the challenge.

Internet Intervention

2008-03-04T21:26:00.002-06:00

Wow! It's been awhile.

After a small relaxing break, life suddenly became very busy and hectic. Actually work took a huge turn towards stress. Unexpected book deadlines, and new projects presented themselves in avalanche fashion. It called for an intervention. An internet intervention, that is.

I found myself, diligently working away on my computer only to drift off to Firefox. Sneaky little devil. Leading me to my favorite websites, blogs and links to new websites. Two hours later, I'm tired, it's late and I've accomplished absolutely nothing. Turns out I have no internet control, so I had had to detox.

Now that many of my projects are manageable, and work has slowed a little, I am gratefully plugged back in.

I have to admit how surprised I am that it was so hard to disconnect. I never realized how much I relied on my online sites to soothe me. How much I missed finding out about events going on in the DOC world. It's amazing to me that the voices of so many people I have never really met have such a profound impact on me. I truly look to so many for inspiration, motivation, and encouragement. Imagine all the amazing people I would never know about if we didn't have such power at our fingertips. It's hard to believe those days without the internet ever existed.

I remember only having the library for research. I can't imagine going through my diagnosis today, and only having a cold emotionless bookshelf to turn to. As I approach the big 3.0. on Thursday, I am constantly thinking about the leaps and bounds that technology and invention has taken. Most of all, I am thankful that it has brought me here.

Clever

2008-02-05T10:12:00.000-06:00

Being a designer and working with mostly retail advertisers, I was unusually amused with this company's approach to humor and their website. I wish I'd thought of this! For something fun on Tuesday check this out.

Some background first:
HEMA is a Dutch department store that first opened November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the
Netherlands. HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxembourg, and Germany. In June of this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch
what happens.

This company has a great website designer!

http://producten.hema.nl/

My New Mantra

2008-02-04T12:45:00.000-06:00

It's just one word, but It does so much.

I have taken the weekend to regroup, stop and breathe. Too many days, I felt as if I've been stretched to the breaking point. It's made me overly emotional, stressed, and has caused me to lose focus on what is really important.

Relax...

I took the weekend to have some much needed me time. I said "No" to the Super Bowl party (and sometimes friends don't make it easy) and I hung out with Zoe and read a good book. Indulged in some very good hot cocoa with extra large marsh mellows, and I feel so good today. It is by far, the best Monday, I've had in a while.

Tonight, weather permitting, I'm going to fall into my Ipod and take a long walk outside. My back-up plan will be yoga. Those poor exercise DVDs haven't seen the light of day in a while.

In days, where everyone and everything is in a great rush, it's worth taking time for yourself.

250.03

2008-01-30T17:53:00.000-06:00

WARNING:
The following post may be long and rambly!

I firmly believe the mind and body respond in ways that are completely entwined in our psyche. I think I now realize why fear grasps me, before I see this particular doctor.

Yesterday, I enter an extremely crowded waiting room, where the man at the front counter next to me makes a terrible joke. The receptionist tells him politely that Dr. A is very behind in his schedule. The man replies, "So does that make his Indian name, Running Late?" I think, he has to be nervous too!

I finally got back into a room, and the nurse takes my dreaded blood pressure. I hold my breath, and the automatic blood pressure machine breaks, while it is trying to inflate. I hear a retching sound next door, when someone grabbed my nurse and stole her away, while trying to get me out of the cuff. "He's throwing up, HELP ME!" another nurse yells and the commotion in the hall escalates.

I sat there, watching my arm turn blue, as I'm trying to restore circulation, and it hit me. The reason WHY I hate this office so much. I flashed back to sitting in the busy waiting room, engaged in my habit of people watching. Two amputees, one apparently fresh, with all of the billowy white wrapped around what's left of his leg. One blind woman was accompanied by her daughter, as well as many older couples with plastic bags filled up completely with medications. Then there's me. In heels, dressed for work, looking much younger than my age, and feeling quite well. I'm sick, but not. That could end up being me. I don't belong here. Suddenly, I wanted to tap my heels 3 times, and pray it will take me home, like Dorothy.

Then the nurse came back. This time, she manually took my blood pressure, and pricked my finger. 5.4.3.2.1..246. Crap! Not how I wanted to start this. She weighed me, made notes and rushed out of the room. Right behind her, a strange doctor entered, and he did not bother to introduce himself. He was curt, got the facts and exited. Then he quickly came back in with my doctor. Interns. Rotations must have just begun, because their was an intern at my last weeks DR.'s visit too.

I won't detail the entire visit, but I have to note that my doctor took way longer than 15 minutes with me, and even with his busy day was pretty jovial. I wonder if that was for the benefit of the intern. Call me a cynic. I did not ask about the pump and I totally chickened out. I was showing him my bruises on the back of my arm, and complaining about the shots, when I was quickly scolded about shot placement. "Why aren't you using you stomach or hips? You don't have enough F. A. T., and therefore don't get good absorption there." What? Totally caught off guard, and a little defensive, any good approach of a pump was forgotten.

Basically, he changed my insulin ratios, and I have to relive the torture in a month. Not what I was hoping for. His last words as I walked out the door were, "Don't forget. CALL ME if you have any problems, I'm here." I picked up my FMLA paperwork (3x I've forgotten about it), and I was somewhat distressed when I left for the lab downstairs. I looked at all the tests he was running, and noticed the code had changed. 250.03. Type 1 diabetic, presenting with no complications, UNCONTROLLED.

My head and heart just fell, for a moment I thought about ditching the lab and running to my car. In one hand I had the FMLA forms, to officially verify that I am chronically ill. In the other hand, a list of blood work to quantify how "sick" I really am. 250.03 and any one of those people with complications in the waiting room could be me. Sneaky and quietly, the diabetes could steal away all those things I take for granted and depend on. Reality sometimes seems surreal. How did I get here? When did this start? AND WHY, WITH ALL THE ATTENTION AND CARE I HAVE BEEN PLACING ON MY D, WAS I NOW DECLARED UNCONTROLLED?

I know my A1C will probably still be bad, since it hasn't been that long since the DKA. I now wonder, what other problems they will conjure up out of those little tubes of blood. I can't believe how hard I'm taking this. I cried last night, and was close to tears all day today, even though I KNOW nothing has really changed since Monday. Seeing the reality of how this disease can ravage a body is daunting, and visiting the endo is like admitting that one day, I could fall prey to those dreaded complications. I left feeling defeated and still unaccomplished since I didn't even ask about the pump.

Interestingly, I came home from work this afternoon, with pen needles and boxes of strips greeting me at the door. I had to laugh. It was odd, that laughter. I think in that moment it was like God was reminding me I had tools to take care. It gave me a small bit if solace and I recited the serenity prayer to myself. I am so lucky to have family, insurance, tools, and a team of health care professionals to aid me in keeping my health good, but I know I will never really be satisfied until THERE IS A CURE.

Fear Is Rising

2008-01-28T12:38:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to get a little ancy as I tap my fingers, and swing my legs. I simply can't seem to sit still. I have started to dwell and dread the fateful thing I face tomorrow. My Endo appointment.

I don't do this with any other kind of doctor's appointments. While I hate seeing the doctor in general, I never had this sense of doom. Probably because I have always been really healthy, and only now am I having to schedule routine visits and regular blood work. But now, I begin to count down as the day approaches, even more conscious of what I eat and what my numbers are. I even start to log them in for goodness sakes! I know when I finally do get there, my blood pressure and heart rate will skyrocket, and I SWEAR it causes my blood sugar to rise as well. Each time they take my pulse is always over 126 BPM and he always reads this and inspects me with that stethoscope. I can feel them all rising now, as I think about it.

I even go so far as to imagine how the conversation will go and what looks he'll give me. What kinds of things can I say or do to make him think I am in control, and knowledgeable (even if I'm not). I have stepped into my own weird little game where I mentally practice my appointment.

Don't get me wrong, my doctor is really nice, kind of clinical, and I know he's an Incredible doctor. So why should it make me so anxious? This time, I think it is because it will be the first normal visit from all of the DKA mess. Secondly, I am planning to ask about a pump. Third...OK I don' know what third is, but I do know I have ALL THESE QUESTIONS, and less than fifteen minutes to ask them in a non-babbling kind of way, AND get them answered. Talk about pressure.

I have decided to have a plan of attack. I am writing down all "must be answered" questions, so I will not forget. I will have them phrased in a clear and concise matter. I think this will help me, as long as I don't forget to bring the paper I write the questions on!

Trust

2008-01-16T19:56:00.000-06:00

I sometimes think that silence is deafening, and unspoken words become like large weights that burden us. I have been residing in my own silence lately. Thinking a little too much, my brain is resembling a hamster running in a wheel. The same thoughts run through my head over and over. especially the topic of trust.

The way he cared for me when I was sick. The way he cheered me up or made me laugh. The way he made me feel safe. Most importantly, the way he made me feel loved. These feelings are so close to the surface of my heart, that I can almost call them up at will. It's amazing how strong emotions seem to replay my memories in technicolor...so vivid and vibrant. I ask myself (as does he) over and over how I can dismiss those feelings. The question then becomes, can you have love without trust?

Admittedly, I have been working through trust issues for awhile. I think that is why this one is weighing so heavy on me. T and I have dated for well over two years. I THOUGHT I knew everything about him. I was so wrong.

We traveled to see his family in Missouri for Christmas. I was so excited to meet his family (soon to be my family) and friends. It seems like the perfect timing. A true celebration of the holidays, our engagement, and a great getaway after that nasty DKA episode. I felt even closer to him as saw the traits he shares with his brothers and parents. In one moment it changed. Everything. Once again my life had taken an unexpected and unwelcome twist. A woman named Karen came knocking on his parents door to hand deliver papers. Divorce papers.

How did I miss that. I knew he had an ex named Karen, but he said he had NEVER been married. All this time he had been legally separated, but in reality I have been seeing a married man. Everyone thought I knew, and there I was feeling like a fool with a week left on this nightmarish vacation. Trust. In the blink of an eye it's gone. The man I had confided my deepest secrets to, shared some of my vulnerable moments, and he didn't trust me enough to share such an integral part of his past with me. This acquisition of those legal papers was just another thing marked off of his wedding TO DO LIST.

It has me questioning everything. Even the nature of my own person. Am I judgemental? Is that why he kept it from me? Does he consider me too delicate to handle this news? What other things will he keep from me? What does that mean for my future? Then I get angry, REALLY ANGRY. Why not divorce before we ever even started dating.

I'm not sure anymore why I still find it so incomprehensible. After all, I can no longer even trust my own body not to harm me. It eats away everyday at the few remaining beta cells within me. It has stopped performing some of the most basic tasks required for living, and I am constantly relearning and adjusting to it's whims. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything left worthy of my trust. I get so bogged down with this circling chain of thoughts, that eventually I just shut down. It's purely emotional overload.

I will have more details, including his excuses later. For now I am content to take solace in the one thing that always makes me smile. My sweet precious puppy, Zoe. You could never see a more perfect example of love.

A New Year

2008-01-02T14:31:00.000-06:00

Happy Belated New Year to All!

I have been away quite a while, but I'm planning on making the new year spectacular! (Does it sound like I'm forcing the optimism?) It pretty much has to be, after the way last year ended. DKA, a sinus infection, stress from the holidays, traveling forever, and now a broken engagement (now that's a story, I can't write about just yet), life has to get better. Right?

I'm currently taking the path of denial and determination to plant my feet down firmly so I can gain my balance and move forward with my life (bouncing blood sugars aside). I have been absent in many things as of late, especially hopping around online, and posting on 365. I have still taken my photos, but just seems like I never have the time to post.

After returning home rather tired and broken, I retrieve my mail to find the most special Christmas card from Beth of InSearchOfBalance. Thank you for such an unexpected smile! Beth, you and Daniel are truly special people!

I'm now planning to get back into the groove, with many stories to tell. Some won't be that easy either, but I think it will help me process things a little better. Right now I feel a little like I'm on a plane, heading toward a cruising altitude. I feel the pressure in my head and watch the world blur behind me, as I things race into patterns and lines. Now I have to look ahead and land safely. That is my New Year's resolution.

3:15 AM

2007-12-17T19:59:00.000-06:00

The past week was like a dream I would love to forget. After postponing my call to the Doc, I wound up at the ER in DKA with a sugar level of 874. After almost a week in the hospital, and a lingering sinus infection, I am back at home and work. My fiance T is staying with me out of love and concern for a few days. (He was rather angry with me about the missed insulin doses, while he was out of town. I must remember my life directly affect his and I really do hate to see him worry) Other than this, things should be back to normal. SHOULD.

3:15 AM
The alarm blares. It does not wake me. T. heavily rolls over to hit the alarm and instead he encounters my head, and I am UP. Mission accomplished. T. is less than thrilled though, because he too is now wide awake.
"What in the world? Did the power go out?" T asks.
"No, I set the alarm. Just didn't mean it to be that loud. Sorry."
"why on earth would you do that?" T asks again.
All I need do, is show him the meter. 31mg.
He literally springs into action with juice from downstairs. Admittedly he is a big guy, and I was unaware he could move that fast! I picture him racing after a criminal in hot pursuit, but am brought back by the ringing in my head that clearly was not caused by T's heavy hand. I guzzle the small bottle of apple juice, and I see that T has brought up 3 more.
"Just in case." he says.
I feel groggy, tired and I still can't breathe well, but at that moment I felt so safe. Secure. He was there to wake me up when the alarm clock would not.

After his fear and my low had passed, I explained that with the higher doses, the Doctor wanted me to check my 3:00 AM numbers. Especially since my doses should come down, once I am well and my numbers are stable. To see the fear in this strong man's eyes was a little haunting, and I know it will be difficult convincing him I'm OK to stay by myself.

It had me thinking all day about it. It's true, that when we're married I will have fewer nights alone, but with the amount of time he travels, it won't be much more. I wonder what kind of strain that will cause in the future. Will he worry too much? Will I become resentful that he's not home very often? To have that feeling of security, like I had last night, I am now more aware of how alone (and in truth a little scared) I am, when he's not there beside me.

3:15 AM - The alarm clock went off, but it was today that I woke up.
Things are definitely not the same as yesterday.

ANNOYED

2007-12-10T12:40:00.001-06:00

HI

No, It's not a greeting. And no, I'm not on illegal drugs either.

Apparently, that is my meters way of saying, "You really screwed up this time!"

In the event of feeling rather blue, I hibernated this weekend. I had the full intentions of testing and taking care of myself, but somehow didn't. Not one test...not one shot. Now, I know the honeymoon is over.

Just 2 short little days without my small amount of insulin was enough to ruin all my control. I finally tested last night, and was in the mid-300s. OK not so good... take my basal and my fast acting. That should do it. It always has in the past, but not this time. Four hours later... low 400s. I WENT UP!!! How could that be? Check for ketones...moderate. Again, not so good. I take more Novolog, but have never been in this predicament. I'm terrified of giving too much, but I also have a desert in my mouth and feel really crappy.

So after a very sleepless night, with many a trip to the restroom, I'm still in the 400s. Take my insulin, and pray. Shower, Go to work. Test before lunch, knowing I'm not feeling a whole lot better. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....HI. Are you kidding Me? My meter reads up to 600, supposedly. Test again ...HI. Now I'm a little panicky, and I need to call the Doctor's office, BUT I'm soooo embarrassed. What do I say? "I just stopped taking the insulin, cause I didn't feel like it?" or "I thought I was honeymooning, and it would be OK?" Or the truth which is I just didn't think at all. I'm working up the courage to call, but now with large ketones I'm afraid it might be an emergency, and I don't feel THAT bad.

I"M SOOOOO MAD AT MYSELF, I COULD SCREAM!!!!
Why isn't my insulin working? How did this happen sooo fast? I just don't get it!
Alright, I'm off to call. Wish me luck, and I hope that they don't yell at me or guilt me.

Small

2007-12-07T09:14:00.000-06:00

It's Friday and I'm glad this week has come to an end. The past few days have not been so good for me. I'm not sure if it's the weather, the season, or just my completely unpredictable blood sugars, but I'm feeling extremely small.

I hate feeling this way. I have no reason to feel so blue. I remind myself of all the blessings that I have, and feel even guiltier when they do not comfort me. I tend to think it has definite ties to my diabetes. I came across this realization when I started having a slight aversion to all things diabetes. Normally, I hop around many d-blogs throughout my day. I look for new info or articles that give me insight, but it is now a struggle to just post myself. Where it was a comfort before, it has now become a reminder. Almost admittance of guilt. Yes, I am guilty. I am a DIABETIC. I have been drafted into the club I never wanted or planned to be a part of.

Don't get me wrong. I think of everyone I have been "introduced" to online as a precious blessing. Without the many blogs and networks of amazing people, I would be alone in this. Without the D-community, I have no one surrounding me who understands. I thank you all for that. But this is something different which has grabbed hold of me, and is causing me to sink.

I thought I was handling everything quite well. I passed through a very small time of denial, including a few weeks of really low-normal sugars. Now, the shots have become "more normal". I test regularly and pay attention to my food. I felt positive and ready to face new challenges like those crazy holiday feasting parties. Now, I'm ready to move on to something new. In my head, it's almost like I'm thinking, "Well, I've done the diabetes thing. Maybe tomorrow I'll be vegan... or I'll start riding horseback...plug in any random activity here_________." Only, if I became vegan tomorrow, I'd be vegan and diabetic. With time, the diabetes does not go away. Now, the only thing I'm certain of, is that everyday, it will be there for the rest of my life. The novelty has worn off. The fact that a simple cup of coffee with Splenda and a tablespoon of flavored creamer reflects back to me in a number of 252, no longer surprises me. Frustrates me...but I repeat, does not surprise me.

Now I feel small and helpless to change it. I also feel self-indulgent in pity, which I hate. That is not a quality I find helpful, useful or productive in any way. Oh well. This weekend I will hibernate and seek shelter in my bed. Pulling the covers over my head, and of course, occasionally coming out to test.

No Wonder

2007-12-04T11:49:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I had my last day off of work (besides Christmas) before the end of the year. It was full of errands, and stuff on my "to do" list that I obviously haven't done. One of those things included a trip to the local JDRF office.

You see, I'd been carrying a donation check around with me for awhile. Everyday I said to myself, "I'll mail it tomorrow..." Well, I knew they wanted them all by the 4th (today), so it seemed like the perfect solution to just drive it there while doing all of my errands. However, now I'd wish I mailed it.

No wonder the JDRF walk was poorly coordinated. No wonder, I had trouble getting info from them. No wonder, I couldn't get them to return a call. It broke my heart to see this local hub of such a great organization.

First of all, I had trouble finding it. It is located in a mass of cookie cutter office buildings, that look more like trailers at overcrowded schools. When you enter the side of the building it is a long walk down one hallway, to the only decorated door of the bunch. The office is located behind a locked door, I was told was "for security reasons" I.E. "Stalker". The office consisted of only two small cubicles.

I was greeted by two very sweet and pleasant insividuals. They asked me questions, and thought like most people that I was still in high school. When I explained my age, they told me about how many young adults they were encountering who were newly diagnosed. I thought about asking about developing some sort of support group, but it seemed like those two people had the world on their shoulders and could handle any more. Turns out my doctor is on their board, and we chatted about him. When they found out I was a graphic artist, they promptly enlisted my services, to which I am more than happy to help. She kept saying, "Now, I'm really going to call you, so if you're being nice..."

I left there feeling saddened for the tiny little office and staff. All I want to do is help in some way. It was obvious from the shere fact that crucial details about the walk were left out. We weren't even notified about schedules and walk times (or even that breakfast and lunch would be served) until the night before the walk. The event itself was very nice, but we were all a little disappointed by the planning. No wonder.....

Mission NaBloPoMo - Accomplished

2007-11-30T10:56:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it. The end of November is here and so is NabloPoMo. This was a very interesting month for me, full of firsts. My first Diabetes Awareness Month with diabetes. It has included, fabulous events that were part of World Diabetes Day, that I witnessed through a host of many amazing bloggers. My first holiday season involving the balancing act of fun, food and insulin. My first blog and participation in NaBloPoMo. By getting involved with my own blog, I've felt a part of this wonderful online community. I even started participating in Diabetes 365!

Up until last month, I had lurked and maybe posted one or two comments. Now I have survived NaBloPoMo, and managed to post everyday throughout the month. It certainly wasn't easy! I'm so sorry if I've bored anyone with mindless ramblings to accomplish this. It has been good for me to stick with it, proving that I can finish something I have started. It has also made me feel less alone in struggling with the daily adjustments that surround the diabetes. I just want to say thanks to everyone out in the DOC.

Wine,Music & Fun

2007-11-29T16:44:00.000-06:00

No time to blog today.
I'm off to hear incredible holiday Jazz, sip wine and eat cheese.
I love events like this on "school" nights!

"A Tool You Can Use"

2007-11-28T18:04:00.000-06:00

Today, I received the latest edition of Diabetes Forecast, that I got with my ADA membership. I found the first article to be of particular interest.

Recently, Richard Kahn, Chief Scientific Officer of the American Diabetes Association, made many upsetting comments about diabetes and the usefulness of it's technology. He also questioned the need for home blood sugar testing for those diabetics not using insulin. Many outraged bloggers and PWDs called him out on this speech which did nothing in the name of advocacy for PWDs.

Well, Diabetes Forecast which is put out by the ADA, ran an article this month named, "A Tool You Can Use", by Christy L. Parkin. The whole article centered around the new doubt about home monitoring effectiveness. It sounds like a disclaimer to appease those of us who were outraged.
"The American Diabetes Association and other organizations recommend frequent use of SMBG by people who use insulin to treat their diabetes. However, in response to new research findings, some health care payers are beginning to question the value of SMBG in non-insulin treated diabetes....However, before we jump to any conclusions, we need to first take a closer look at the research studies that are driving the issue."

While the article makes excellent points about the studies and states, "SMBG is not a substitute for effective, aggressive diabetes management; it simply makes it possible.", I can't help but feel this was totally about damage control. It actually makes me angrier. Kahn seemed very self-righteous in his response to Amy Tenderich's blog statement about his speech. He made no attempt to clarify or change his opinion and HE REPRESENTS THE ADA (AND THEY REPRESENT US!!!)Now, it seems awfully hypocritical to publish an article giving way a little. I mean, do you think the insurance companies will listen to him when it comes to reimbursement or listen to a small article published by a writer in a magazine for PWDs.
I still plan to not support the ADA anymore. At least, not until Richard Kahn, and those who supposedly advocate for us, come out with statements and speeches that don't sound like the insurance companies wrote them!

Ornamental Additions

2007-11-27T21:17:00.000-06:00

I broke down and put up Christmas decorations. I put up my tree with all my lights, and the I got out my ornaments. So many of my ornaments mark big events, like when I brought my baby girl(puppy) home or the dove ornament, I put up after my grand father died. It reminds me of the importance of the people and the moments that shape my life.

This year I added a new ornament. It's not very pretty, and looks rather displaced on the tree. It's not warm or shiny. It does not stand out among all the others and I'm OK with that.

My new ornament is the first insulin pen I was handed at the hospital. Now it is empty, and still has the faint odor of old band aids, but I kept it. It means something very important to me. It does not represent the beginning of a chronic illness/terrible disease, but the lifeline that saves me every day. If it were not for the insulin, my disease would not be chronic, but my life would be over. For this reason, I hold it in very high regard. Definitely a love/hate relationship, but I can never deny it's power or praise.

It is my one new addition to the tree and it represents my future.

Boredom Strikes Again

2007-11-26T22:06:00.000-06:00

Today at work, I was somewhere between extremely busy and bored. Work seems to always come in waves. So, during my down time I got a little bored. In an attempt to cure my boredom, I mindlessly started playing connect the dots on my arms.

The dots of course are from my recent attempts at alternative site testing. Less pain, more waste, and more visibility. I have trouble getting enough blood to fill a strip, and it leaves those little red dots. Pretty sure it's not worth it, although my readings are much better.

I have to say it sort of resembles a face. Maybe?

To Decorate or Not To Decorate

2007-11-25T22:15:00.000-06:00

Among all the things I had to get done this weekend, one thing purposely slipped my mind. I saw it everywhere though. All the Christmas decorations glimmering from homes, everywhere I turned. I feel like I've entered a mini Vegas. I think that while I was working on Friday, those that had the day off went running with glee and a lot of caffeine to get those massive decorations up that quickly.

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and usually run to my decorations as well. I mean, with the amount of time it takes to get them up, I want to enjoy them as long as possible. This year is different though. I'm feeling a little Grinch. For one, I can't believe Christmas time has already come around again. Two, I've been working on Christmas ads for the last two months, so I'm already tired of the commercialism. Last, but not least, I just took down my Halloween decorations, so you can see where my priorities are.

This small decision is killing me though. I know it won't be the same without the decorations, but I just don't feel like putting them up. I'm giving myself two days to make the decision. To Decorate or Not to Decorate...that is the question.

What's The Score?

2007-11-24T21:59:00.000-06:00

With the college football season winding down for most people, this weekend marks the only game I get emotional over. The Auburn- Alabama game.

My friends all come over to watch the game. As I am typing, the room is filled with the classic mix of yelling and frustration. No matter how many times I tell them that the players/coaches can't hear them through the TV, it only seems to encourage them to get louder. Of course, I'd be lying if I'd acted like I have not yelled a time a two tonight.

Which brings me to my point. It's the end of the game and I'm deliberately removing myself from the best part of the game. As all my excitement, anger and anxiety rose, apparently so did my blood sugar. Up until now, I had been restrained and did not par take in the pizza, chips and snacks. I'm still trying to make up for my Thanksgiving sins. In a wave of hunger, I decide to have a snack and I test. My score is 224. Stress? probably. So, I'm skipping the snack (much to the dismay of my stomach!) and benching myself from the game in an attempt to correct. I'm still not comfortable with correction boluses especially at night, so I'm arming myself with water and time. At least 'til I test again later.

BTW. I'm pretty sure we're going to win. WAR EAGLE!

Sweet Sound of Laughter

2007-11-23T21:37:00.000-06:00

It was the sweet sound of laughter that rang throughout my Aunt's house yesterday. Kid's playing tag and running through the halls testing everyone else's balance. We adult's were sharing our own stories of work and play as we caught up with one another. Grievances and Thanksgiving War stories were traded and created. For instance, my mom argued with me for over 25 minutesm telling me my gas tank was empty. I actually had over half a tank, but she refused to lean over and check until we had arrived at our destination. Then she said she saw that I had gas, but of course refused to say she was wrong. Note One: Mothers are never wrong...don't even try to correct them.

Our family is quite small. There were only twelve of us, including the five children present. The food spread told a totally different story. We had enough food to feed an army, including a massive fried turkey, and a honey ham. Believe it or not, but there were not even leftovers. Our family CAN EAT!

Up until this year, the holidays have been a little tense. After losing both of my grandparents, the glue that held our family together seemed to fail. It was as if there was an emptiness, certainly not the same. This year that cloud lifted.

Everyone was at ease, and kids always seem to bring such new life and vibrance to the family. Especially the youngest. He is not even a year old, but had us all laughing 'til we hurt. He would rock back and forth and just smile so wide. I now consider him to be our little rock 'n roller.

Family can sometimes drain you, but this was soul satisfying. I am so thankful to have that time with them. With all that excitement, my blood sugars didn't even phase me. I survived my first official Holiday in grand form. Can't wait till Christmas.

Oh So Grateful!

2007-11-22T21:41:00.000-06:00

A full day of Family, Food, Friends and Fried Turkey. I'm Happy and Exhausted.
I am also truly THANKFUL!

More to com later. Now, I'm off to bed early with work (and a diet!) waiting to wake me from my dreams. Clocking in at a wonderful 120 before my head hits the pillow.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Feast, Family, Fun?

2007-11-21T16:55:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the day. Thanksgiving.

I'm grateful. Grateful for so many things. I'm even grateful that I was diagnosed with diabetes. Let me explain... I had a friend that died at diagnosis, just 1 month after I was diagnosed. That makes me appreciate my life a little more. Diabetes is also treatable, and for that I'm thankful.

I'm also a little melancholy. Things are different this year. My view of family, food and holidays have changed. I'm skeptical of how they will behave, how I will behave and also how my blood sugars will behave. Last Friday was my trial run that failed, and I'm not sure tomorrow will be better. But I hope.

I will make my cheesecake (again!) and drive my new car on a road trip for the first time. I will have my fiance and family to join me as I carefully dodge between getting a ticket, and making good time. Good company, good food and I determined to have a good time.

May all of you have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving holiday.

My First Meme

2007-11-20T11:54:00.000-06:00

First Time to Be Tagged for A Meme
THANKS BETH!

The Rules:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

1. God strayed from the basic floor plan when He made me, and it almost killed me. When I was nine, my appendix ruptured. It had been ruptured for days before I got to the hospital, but the only reason they admitted me was fever and dehydration. After many tests, the doc guessed and decided to open me up “in case” it was my appendix. By that time, serious infection had already set in. The reason they didn’t find it sooner? It was directly behind my stomach, and the ultrasound couldn’t see it.

2. I had the amazing opportunity to travel overseas last summer. I got to spend a week in Israel, right after they started bombing Lebanon. In fact, we saw fireworks of the dangerous kind. We were surrounded by young girls and boys (children really) with guns everywhere due to even the regular political turmoil. In the midst of all that, it was the most calm and peaceful I’ve felt anywhere. Especially n Jerusalem. I hadn’t expected to get that attached to a place, but I will definitely return with anticipation!

3. I looked like a vampire until I was twelve. I was born without the teeth in between my front teeth and canines. So for a while all you could really see was my pointy teeth. Over 2 1/2 years spent in braces to pull them all together, so now I have no eye teeth. Did I mention my gene pool is shallow.

4. I went to school on a musical theatre scholarship, but was told by my parents that I could not major in it. So I majored in art instead. I got BFA in Painting, having never taken any art classes before. I have always loved to draw though. My parents were thrilled...NOT!

5. I have the bad tendency of stopping watches. I don’t know how. I wear them for a little while, and they spontaneously stop. I take them off and a few days later, they’re ticking again. The batteries are always good too. My co-worker put up a sign above my desk that says “You have entered the Bermuda Triangle”
That might be a good reason to avoid getting a pump.

6. I secretly am addicted to the show, Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead. I’m usually really skeptical about psychics and mediums, but she has me believing. Now, I sometimes wonder if loved ones, are around during inappropriate moments. That kind of freaks me out.

7. Not so fun note. I have a stalker. I have had to move three times to get away from him. I even have my parents address on my license, so I can’t be traced that way. Protection order and everything. This is the reason for not having my picture posted. My name is also a variation of my real name. Sorry guys, not trying to mislead.

I'm tagging a few D365ers and Jeff
Daena, Jennifer, Chris, Naomi,and Michelle
Wait that's six.. Oh well.

Numbers Even When I Dream

2007-11-19T21:55:00.000-06:00

Oh the stress.

I admit it. I have the tendency to stretch myself a little too thin. Among my many projects, wedding planning and my regular work, I am currently illustrating a book. Not just any kind of book either. It's a math book, and it is proving to be quite the challenge.

It's certainly not the kind of project I would normally do, so I'm a little out of my element. The author wants me to help make the book "approachable" and easy to read. Did I mention, it's for an adult audience...not a child.

Throughout the process, I have been swimming in numbers. OK, maybe drowning would be a little more accurate. Between my blood sugar checks, my carb counting and the book, I am now seeing numbers everywhere. I close my eyes and they move past me like on the Jumbo trons at games. It's almost like when I became obsessed with Tetris, and I began seeing the falling pieces when I tried tried to sleep. Only now it's the numbers.

As I'm staring at the pages of the book, my brain starts to interpret it as some kind of archaic language that I am TOTALLY not meant to understand. In fact, I think I might need a break from my computer screen, since my eyes are beginning to cross. I need to stop and eat dinner, but you know what that would mean....

Party Time

2007-11-18T13:40:00.000-06:00

Friday night was my first holiday party involving insulin. I must admit it put quite a damper on my enjoyment that evening. I kept a running tally of what I was eating, how many carbs, and other items running through the back of my mind all evening.

I decided to not shoot up until I was seated for the main meal. That meant all my appetizers were more on the protein/nut variety. I figured that would be OK. When I tested, right before I dosed, I was unbelievably at 189. I corrected and under bolused in case I was too full to eat a lot.

Most everything at the table was a carb nightmare...honey glazed sweet potatoes, home style mash potatoes, corn salad, of course my mac'n cheese and SO MUCH MORE. I thought I did very well while showing great restraint. After all, I didn't dive into the table like I really wanted to. Most of the foods served, have been TOTALLY TABOO since diagnosis. I even only ate just one cookie for dessert. Overall I was very proud...until I tested.

I was trying not to test during the party, just like how I didn't want to take more than 1 shot. I would think about it, but I always found myself in the middle of a great conversation or a funny joke. I finally tested when T. and I got in the car. I was 445. What!?! I know I didn't eat THAT much.

A few weeks ago, I was staying low a lot, and recently the numbers have been creeping upward again. But 445 is ridiculous. I corrected when I got home, but afraid I might go low later in the night, I was conservative with the insulin. When I awoke on Saturday, I was 385 with ketones. Thirsty and cotton mouthed, I drank loads of water and took my insulin. I finally came down to 178 before lunch, but was back in the 300s after. Frustrated, I stayed in the 250-300s all day.

This morning I awoke at 225 and have managed to get the number down to 150. Hopefully, it will stay that way! Needless to say, maybe next party I will learn to be less self-concious, and just keep a closer eye on things. Live & learn.

Terrible Networking issues

2007-11-17T23:27:00.000-06:00

In light of my unknown, but terribly frustrating networking issues, I am posting quickly for NaBloPoMo. I can just see myself getting into a long post and it cutting off again!

Race to the Holidays

2007-11-16T18:06:00.000-06:00

Today officially begins the race toward the holidays. Parties, food, family & friends come and go in what looks like the scenery from a subway train. These are also the days, I can feel my wallet getting lighter as I buy food and gifts for all. Days that I typically live for. I hardly ever get to cook for the masses, and I firmly believe it is WAY more fun to give than to get.

Tonight is a good old fashion Thanksgiving among friends, before we are all pulled away to our families. And while I prepare myself to look my best tonight, my preparation actually began last night at the supermarket. It was my first of many bulk shopping extravaganzas that had to be done at Costcos. Cheese and pasta for massive homemade mac'n cheese, cream cheese for the cake. All in amounts that might carry me through to next weeks parties. As I stroll through the crowd, I see all the lights, and hear the Christmas music echoing. I think to myself, I really need to finish taking down the Halloween decorations (sh!!! don't tell)! I pass the pre-made pies and I'm tempted, but I pass by as I head to the checkout ready to be on my way home.

I cooked my food, and now they are packed and ready to head to my friends. I am dressed and have everything in place ready to make a smooth exit. In fact this year, I am armed with something extra. I tiny little insulin pen that falls to the very bottom of my purse. I am also armed with a glucose meter and new strips. I feel prepared to handle my first holiday meal, with copious amounts of food. There will be grazing, sinful sides and glorious desserts. I wonder, when do I give the insulin? Before the meal at the appetizers? Maybe during the main meal. What about before the desserts which I'm sure will send me skyrocketing. I don't typically eat large meals, especially not ones that will last for hours. Do I take more than one shot, and chance stacking? Tonight will be a testing ground, and I'm so grateful to have my fiance there with me, keeping a watchful eye, in case I get overzealous with the insulin. Jokingly he reassures me that the result of such bolusing, only means more cake, and that can't be bad. I love him for that.

Here I go on the first on many holiday events, and I must admit I'm a little nervous.

WDD - The Aftermath

2007-11-15T21:09:00.000-06:00

I must admit, I spent a good bit of my day hopping around many websites and blogs that shared their experiences of World Diabetes Day. My "to check" list was long, and I found myself taking every stolen opportunity at work. Wait for a file to open....read a blog. Wait for a program to open or a file to save...view photos in video slide show.

I find myself pulled into it, this day of awareness, these people determined to see things change for the better. The ironic sense of sadness shared with great hope and determination poured through D-bloggers' posts today. I felt connected and only wished I could have been a part of it. I wish I could have been an advocate or an event coordinator. This incredibly strong, call to action pulled me in this week. A cause that had not even crossed my mind 6 months ago. A disease I knew absolutely nothing about, and now all the people touched by this disease seem so close and so important. Everyone else...so vulnerable to it.

All yesterday, the closest I came to WDD was through papers, TV news and the web. I found what I was looking for on the Internet. Stories, photos, and amazing spectacles of blue filled me with hope for the future. I was disheartened though, by the fact I heard the mention of it no where else.

On the local news, I heard about national adoption month. On the national news channels, I heard about presidential campaigns swallowing yet another foot, political turmoil in Pakistan, and a child's suicide that was caused by another girl's vengeful parents. NO WDD. nothing. not a blue light in a photo, or a proclamation or a march. In fact, I've heard more about "going green" this month than diabetes awareness month. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive about it.

Here I am all geared up for this phenomenal event, years in the making, and no one around me shares my excitement. I told my mom about it, and she said, " That's nice honey." Clearly not interested, but polite. On the Internet, the support seems endless, and then I am rudely reminded, that I am alone in this. In truth, I can say I would not have known or probably cared if my circumstances had not changed. It seems you truly have to be touched in some important way to get involved this emotionally.

Now, I am more determined than ever to do something. anything. I just want to get involved. I want the me from six months ago and all those who were just like me to understand the seriousness, the growth, and misconceptions of this worldwide epidemic. It is just too important not to. I know all too well, that diabetes does not discriminate. If it can happen to me, with a practically 0% chance of getting it, it can happen to ANYONE at ANY TIME. Now I just have to figure out how.

WORLD DIABETES DAY

2007-11-14T19:18:00.000-06:00

A day created to reflect, teach, learn and inspire.

May there be many more days of awakening to come.

Supporting Diabetes Technology

2007-11-13T21:01:00.000-06:00

One day, I hope to be able to use an insulin pump and CGM system, without hassle from my insurance co. or bankruptcy. I know that while technology alone will not save me from complications or ill health, I firmly believe for me and those who are motivated to have better control of their health, it is a blessing. Money should never be a hindrance to better care.

In an effort to help support the continuation of research and coverage for technology in the realm of diabetes, I urge everyone fill out this survey. Go to Support Diabetes Technology , and show your support. Amy T of Diabetes Mine has once again rallied the troops to stand up for a better standard of care. Thanks Amy!

Test strips...$100, Insulin pump...$6,000, Quality of Life...PRICELESS.

Ode to a Day Without Regrets

2007-11-12T20:27:00.000-06:00

While everyday is beautiful, days like today don't come around very often.

I woke up right on time, alert and ready to start my day. Certainly not the usual struggle to drag myself out of bed. Not even a second late for work.

Work came and went without any anxiety of a normal Monday. I didn't even have the urge to break into my snack drawer for "energy".

I had no traffic or wrecks to contend with on my way home, and now, I am lazily lounging with my dog in front of a warm fire.

Not one bruise from a shot. Not one low or even high blood sugar.

I cherish days like this, but I know if everyday went this well, days like this wouldn't be so special.

"Of All The Things..."

2007-11-11T17:51:00.001-06:00

"Of all the things I ever worried about happening to you, well... I just KNEW diabetes was not one of them."

My mom said it to me again today. She has probably uttered those exact words 25 times or more since I was diagnosed. I'm sure she will say them many more times in the future.

Today those words were sparked by a conversation we have every year.
"What are you bringing to Thanksgiving Dinner this year?"
"I'm not sure...probably my beloved cheesecake, or some kind of dessert", I said.

Every year the family travels out of town to have the holiday with the rest of my family. My Aunt, cousins and their kids are all in attendance. It's been tradition since my grandparents were alive, and we still continue it.
I asked mom what she was cooking, and she answered," I don't know, what can you eat? Aunt V also wants to know if she needs to prepare something special. Do you really think you should bring a dessert? You can't even eat that, can you?"

I was speechless, but not because I was angry or mad. This disease has had a huge impact on my mom as well as me, but I became aware that this holiday will be different. Maybe not bad, but different. Everyone knows. Will they stare? Will they ask questions? Will they pretend they don't know?

When things happen in families, there are always whispered words behind closed doors. I know, because I usually hear about them when they are about me. "Mandy looks too thin, is she eating well? etc..." This time words have taken a weird turn.

I should start out by saying, my mom's denial has actually been much greater than mine. "We just don't have any of that in our family. You're not a kid...that only happens to kids. I've NEVER heard of anyone who takes insulin having to take more than one shot a day. You have always eaten too much candy" She is by definition that ignorant/large part of the population who just doesn't know about the disease. I was like that too, BEFORE. She, for awhile, had me truly questioning my DX. She had me thinking I was a type 2, regardless of my weight, lifestyle or test results.

My Aunt has apparently joined that type 2 bandwagon. "She can't have type 1, surely she can just cut back on her sugar intake." And her best quote (with good intentions I'm sure), "Is insulin really necessary? Don't you think that might be taking it a bit too far. It can't be that serious. She just needs to eat more protein." This was not long after I was released from the hospital after more than a weeks stay.

I love them both, and I know they mean well. After today's conversation, I don't know that I feel comfortable around them anymore, especially at a holiday like Thanksgiving where it's all about the food. Diabetes had not actually crossed my mind in reference to family and the holiday season until my mom brought up making special provisions for me. Now it is filling me with trepidation.

Singled out. Embarrassed. Now, not quite sure what to expect.
"Of All The Things..."

365 Delayed

2007-11-10T15:22:00.000-06:00

I have to say, I'm feeling inspired. My inspiration? All of the wonderful people snapping photos for the diabetes365 project. It's an amazing photo graphical representation of what it means to live with diabetes.

In my excitement of finally deciding to participate, I started a Flicker account. I also charged the batteries for my camera and was ready to snap my first shot. I have to admit it was hard to take one shot only. I became aware of all these everyday D-related photo ops. Kinda scary, but now this is what I call my life.

As I got my computer ready to upload and officially join the project, I was upset to see my computer cable and card reader were at work. Skunked again! This has not deterred me, but only delayed me.

If you haven't seen the site, please do...I repeat, It's amazing.
http://projectdiabetes365.com/

In Honor of D-Blog Day

2007-11-09T10:20:00.000-06:00

I will be simple & to the point.

I am different, but I am the same.
I am sick, but I am well.
I have lost control, but I am in control.
I have been hurt, but I have no scars.
I am alone, but I am joined by many.

These are just a few of the dichotomies that diabetes have placed in my life. I'm sure there will be more in the future.
INSULIN IS NOT A CURE.

Something Simple.

2007-11-08T22:09:00.000-06:00

Tonight as I headed out for my afternoon run, I encountered something simple and powerful. A smell. It was the scent from some trees that breezed by me as I ran.

It was an odd smell, a little unpleasant even. It was certainly recognizable though. It some how sparked my brain to reminisce about the tree outside of my dorm room in college. We closed that window many a night in order to avoid that peculiar smell.

That wasn't the only memory either. The strangest flashback to the floor common room, where we were having a daquiri party before a concert. Then I recall Amy, a very witty, pretty girl who lived on our floor. She hung out with us a lot, but it wasn't until that night that I saw her pull out a black vinyl case, a bottle of insulin and a syringe. She didn't measure her glucose, she just filled the syringe with insulin in the room and gave her self a hip shot. I remember being amazed that after all that time I had known her, I didn't know she was diabetic. I also remember thinking the syringe was really small. Then nothing, I never asked her about it, or even gave it a second thought until tonight.

Now I'm dwelling on it a little. I know the fact that she was so matter of fact about it made it easy to dismiss. Even after I was diagnosed, I could think of no one, no encounter, no sense of every being touched by the disease until tonight. Now I wonder how it affected her back then. I wonder if I should have enquired about it or if it would have been prying and innappropriate. I can't believe I didn't even remember it, until something as simple as a smell reminded me. I am now on the other side of the coin, but it made me rethink the role of friends of PWDs. To acknowledge or not.

I wonder what she is doing now. I think about the fact, that back then, I never would have imagined that I would have this in common with her. I was so clueless, and somehow that distrurbs me. I was like so many people today who walk around among us, completely oblivious of the hardships of people living with chronic disease. It is all too clear how silent and sneaky this disease is. You may only catch a glimpse of it by spying someone with the paraphenalia or see it's effects in a complication.

Now I know and now I remember... all thanks to a simple scent in the air.

Unvelievable

2007-11-07T21:01:00.000-06:00

That is the only word that came to mind after reading a post today from Amy Tenderich at diabetesmine.com. It was concerning a speech given by the head of the ADA, Richard Kahn.

After reading his speech and checking out some discussions in the forum "Type 1 Adults" at (of all places) diabetes.org, I am appalled. Richard Kahn, a prominent and important person in the diabetic community,labeled as an "advocate", basically questioned the need for current advancements in things like insulin pumps and CGMS systems. It seems people would do better if doctors simply reminded them to take their medicine, instead of prescribing or developing new drugs to enhance long term outcomes. He also questioned the need for type 2s on diet or oral medications to test their blood sugar on a daily basis. Such wreckless comments are ignorant and offensive to all those who struggle with or are affected by diabetes. I think HE SHOULD BE ASHAMED!

I understand that as long as capitalism in the medical industry exists, it creates a very real reason to postpone finding a cure. After all, things like gouging people with the cost of test strips, would be obsolete after the disease is eradicated. All the companies invested in development would lose it's market and it would be farewell to this cash cow. This is in a way it's own conflict of interest. Having said that, I do not think that while we wait for a cure, we should be subject to a lower quality of life. Without advancing tools and treatments (regardless of the price), you are punishing those who are not lucky enough to live to see the cure. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. If there are ways to make this burden more bearable, with hope of a better outcome for our future, there should be no question as to whether or not they are financially worth it. A message doubting this (especially from the head of the ADA), could potentially hurt all of the progress people have already made with insurance companies over things like coverage of the pump.

This irresponsible behaviour should not be tolerated and I suggest that everyone keep checking Amy's site for a petition she is creating. We can't let this go!

Turning Back the Clock

2007-11-06T15:45:00.000-06:00

I turned back all my clocks this weekend including my dvd player, my alarm,my stereo and my watch. I even struggled with the clock in my new car, since I am too stubborn to read the manual. I thought I had all my ducks in a row, until I tested this morning at my bedside.

Early in the morning, I awake with sleepy eyes before my alarm sounded. Still dark, I rolled over and grabbed my test kit. I tested, and was feeling very pleased with my number of 99, until I focused on the number indicating the time. A wave of panic overtook me as I feared I had overslept, and this was obviously the reason I had heard no alarm.

I sprint to the shower, and literally beat my quickest time of 10 minutes. I dress, brush my teeth, put on my contacts and finally brush my soaking wet hair. Quickly, I grab my makeup (to be applied on the way to work) and my dog to let her outside. As I enter the den, my contacts focus my eyes on the DVD player. I was not late. I was early, and was just dressed in time to hear my alarm go off upstairs.

Silly, silly me. I had not even thought about changing the times on my meters. Honestly, I didn't realize I was paying any attention to the number corresponding to the time. Just another way diabetes rears it's ugly head. I wonder if anyone else has had this happen.

The Finish Line

2007-11-05T19:23:00.001-06:00

Life is often filled with tasks and challenges that either you choose or you don't. Every now and then, I will look forward and take note of all the races I'm involved in and wonder if I will be able to cross those finish lines.

For some tasks, like my upcoming wedding, stress is mixed with boundless excitement which makes the time pass much too fast. For something like NaBloPoMo it is harder on some days than others, but it is always an achievable goal. For my first real marathon I'm training for, I have peaks and valleys of accomplishments, which make all the pain and tiredness feel so empowering. Sometimes finishing well for me, is just getting through a long day of work to be greeted my dog's sweet face.

Diabetes however is a much different animal. It is not a sprint, but a marathon. One I can honestly not imagine finishing. The doctors say FOREVER or until they find a cure. I can't even grasp the concept of forever and chronic disease. For those who have lived with this for years, I applaud you. I have not been at this long, and with every day that passes, I feel more confused, frustrated and even defeated than I felt the day before. I wonder how you finish a race, when it is so easy to get lost. I have in one day been at a blood sugar of 365 and also 67. I have lowered doses and increased them with no avail. It still feels like it should be like any other illness. You take your prescribed meds and you get better. I wonder when reality sets in, or does it?

I intend on crossing the finish line of every task that is put before me. It makes it harder when you have no idea how far away that line is. Regardless, I will set my pace slow in an effort to make through the long haul that is diabetes, however long it takes.

Pancreatic Resuscitation?

2007-11-04T16:28:00.000-06:00

Dare I dream? STOP THE FUNERAL! IT'S ALIVE!!!! Frankenstein has nothing on me!

I'm starting to think my pancreas has come back from the picket line and the strike is over. That or maybe it's the cold weather. maybe it's the honeymoon? I'm not sure, but something strange is going on.

About a month ago, I had another C-peptide test, which came out miserably low. Now, I'm thinking someone has shocked my beta cells back to life. For about two weeks I have been running low staying within 60-90 (not counting the readings after consuming massive Halloween candy). I have always been extremely insulin sensitive, so my over all dose is around 14 units a day. Now I've lowered that to just 8. For that I'm greatful, but perplexed.

Last night with no insulin with dinner at all, I had a low of 40 a few hours after! WTF?!! As I checked my meter, it told my in the last two weeks I've has 8 highs and 14 lows. 14!!!! That's ridiculous. Most of them, like last night, I had no sign or warning. I just tested on my normal schedule and was floored with the result. This morning I woke up at a beautiful number of 72. After my coffee I was 164. I'm so confused. Is this the honeymoon or maybe my pancreas is playing tricks on me, exploiting it's dysfunction and random hiccups. It's so easy to think that it will continue to work without that added help of the extra insulin. For now, I choose to be optimistic and carefully continue to lower my doses. Only time will tell.

A Cold Walk in the Morning

2007-11-03T19:06:00.000-05:00

Every Saturday morning, my good friend & I take a 5 mile walk in the woods at 7am. Yes, I said 7AM. It sounds crazy (and it's a little hard after a wonderful late night out), but surprisingly there are lots of other people partaking in our insanity. Except this morning, because it was COLD!

Ever since I started working the regular full time job, the seasons get lost on me. By September, I'm still still feeling like I'm in June. Then when fall comes, I become in love with spending extra time outdoors. I'm enchanted with something about the smell, and the crispness in the air. Fall seems to come to later these days and doesn't stay very long. Example this morning, when I woke up to a 42 degree temp. outside.

With hands cold and stiff, and noses running we walked anyway. The usual traffic was gone, and others had thought it better to stay warm under the covers. We walked in our insanity alone, and all I could think was that fall is coming to an end. I guess it's appropriate with the time change this weekend, but it left me slightly melancholy. I'm sure when I hit the store later today, I will hear and see Christmas everywhere. Where does the time go?

Knit's a Ball

2007-11-02T17:28:00.000-05:00

In preparation for another crazy weekend, I have recently discovered a very relaxing past time. Knitting. Never mind the occasional reminder of a blood sugar check that culminates in a sore finger. Yes, it's true as I knit and pearl, I can feel the blue hairs growing on the top of my head.

Tonight however, I'm putting down the knitting needle and picking up my high heels for a wonderful night out with my fiance. He travels so much, it makes nights when he is home that much more special. Time to act my age!

Trying New Things

2007-11-01T17:17:00.000-05:00

It's true. I did it. I joined the NaBloPoMo movement.

The challenge: to blog everyday in the month of November.

I'm excited! I'm forcing myself to focus, leave behind my ADD ways and STICK TO SOMETHING.

Ready ...Set...Go!

Today is also the beginning of National Diabetes Awareness month which includes the Unite for For Diabetes Day on Nov. 14th. It's so exciting to see the happenings going on to help raise awareness and eliminate this disease.

I'm dumbstruck when I think about all the little things that concerned me on a daily basis just one year ago, compared to now. Diabetes was a word that had no meaning to me. Now it crosses my path daily as a necessity, not to mention all the personally invested time dedicated to that one word. I now know probably more than most doctors about the disease and it's management. I have become a dedicated reader to some truly amazing blogs written by some absolutely inspiring people. I have engaged myself and created a blog (which still shocks me!) and joined networking sites to communicate with others who understand. I have raised money and walked for a cure.

Diabetes is a terrible thing, but it has empowered me. I now take charge of the things in my life, like never before. I have grown and seen a side of life to which I was previously blind. It has introduced me to some incredible people, and for these things I am grateful. It's amazing the difference one year or one event can make.

Crazy, Stressful, Wonderful Week

2007-10-31T14:26:00.000-05:00

Halloween definitely came early for me this year. Full of terrible tricks and great treats as well.

My last week was solely devoted to the car and it's untimely demise. I have to admit, the timing couldn't have been worse. My sugars were running abnormally low (great reason for Halloween candy!) and I had so many other things I needed to get done. After days of painful car shopping and NINE hours of negotiations, I now own a new pewter(fancy word for metallic gray), 2008 Honda Accord. I know, I know, it's not my Celica.

I have officially dubbed it "my grown up car". In truth, I LOVE IT. I am no longer praying to get to work safely. It drives well, and has that new car smell. I am also so proud of my negotiation skills, especially with a dying car to trade in. Like I said, nine hours in talks and a high spike of a 364 from 74, but I got my car way cheaper than a used car. Stressful, but totally worth it. It was an unexpected blessing and even my car insurance WENT DOWN!

On Saturday, I went with my wonderful friends, to my first JDRF walk. This was by far the highlight of my week. The turn out was great and it surprised me to see how many people this disease touches. With the team T shirts and signs so elaborate and meaningful, it was clear to see that spirit and determination were high. The big D may have it's frustrating, painful and certainly heartbreaking moments, but all I saw Saturday was strength and resilience in all those who attended. It was truly inspiring, and I was humbled to walk next to them. I hope one day soon, there will be no need for us to walk.

Later that night, there was no rest as my friends came over for scary movies, food and fun at my annual Halloween party. They are incredible, and insisted on bringing the food over to relieve me from my mad frenzy in the kitchen. I guess they know I'm now broke. LOL

Now I am finally unwinding, and curiously my sugars are steadily on the rise. It's weird how stress affects that number. For a few days last week, I couldn't get above 90, staying mainly between 54-74 and NOT FEELING IT (never had this happen). I had reduced my insulin, and still had the lows. I was starting to doubt my diagnosis, till I had the spike at the dealership. Not sure what to make of last week, so I'm now focusing on other scary things. Things like the horror marathon on tonight, and the sweets haunting me while I wait for kids to knock on my door.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

a noise, a low and serious need of first aid

2007-10-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

It started with a noise. Just a noise. A curious little sound coming from the engine of my car. As I increased in speed, it grew and my HEART SANK.

My car and I have been through a lot. My 2000 Toyota Celica has protected me from accidents, and been my haven when I needed to just get away. It has also caused me great stress, having already replace the engine once. (Toyota is evil!) In truth, my trust level hasn't completely returned and now there is noise.

As my car flew down the interstate to work, I rubbed on my steering wheel convinced I could make my car better. Instead, my blood sugar joined my sinking heart and plummeted forcing me to stop my car on the side of the road.

Both of us sit on the side of the road, in desperate need of first aid.

41. And that was not my speed. I sat in my car and downed the only two tabs in my car, and frantically hit speed dial to my office. "Car ...noise...low, On the interstate" is I could muster.

My friends came to my rescue with juice, but I'm not so sure the car will be OK. Now safe and level headed, I am going to have to let go of my old friend, and begin the hellish search for a new one. Good-bye to my car, hello to a monthly payment!

Confessions of an Over-Analyzer

2007-10-17T18:59:00.000-05:00

Lately, my thoughts have started to run away from me. Sprint even.

It's as if my internal dialogue begins a serious game of racquetball in my head. It always starts as a simple uncomplicated thought. I then, begin to hold on to it for second or two. Toss it around a bit, and then begin to bounce it against some invisible wall I've created. Pretty soon, it gathers a momentum and speed I can't control. I am left ducking in the corner, hoping I will not get knocked out by that one simple run away thought.

I have always been a thinker. I like to understand WHY. I dissect, play devil's advocate, and hopefully form an open minded opinion. I do this with great passion, but sometimes my passion and analyzation are a bad combination.

It started with my need to learn and understand my diabetes. It seemed like this consumed me. First, I tried to find alternative reasons for the hyperglycemia. Rates of misdiagnosis. After all, no one in my family has ever had it, even with two obese parents. Then, I longed to learn about the disease from every avenue available. Now, I'm obsessing over numbers and control.

I just don't get it. I can do everything the same and have drastically different outcomes. I was so focused on tight control (5.7 A1c!!) that now I'm becoming a little extreme with it. I realize I have lost over 10 pounds about two weeks, bringing me under 100. This is not due to hyperglycemia, but skipping meals and eating small portions to avoid highs and to lower doses of insulin. Even with that, I woke up with a 237 this morning. WTF? I must have had a 30 minute internal monologue about what could have happened. I knew I had lost it, when I thought, Someone must have fed me cake while I slept!. It seems even with all the words I've read about this disease and how unpredictable it can be, I just can't accept (control) it the way I would like to. I also realize I'm being obsessive,and I've thought about it (shock!), but still can't seem to just relax.

Now, other thoughts that are not diabetes related are beginning to take the same shape. I am having to fight the roller coaster of thoughts my mind begins to travel, before I derail.I'm sure this will pass...

I will think on it tomorrow.

5.7!!!!!!!

2007-10-15T09:27:00.000-05:00

Let the Celebration Begin!

I never thought that one small number would give me so much stress, anxiety, pride and joy. I received my mail on Saturday, and in it were the results of my latest A1c. 5.7!!!! All the shots, carb counting, & bruises were not in vain! I feel elated and excited and most of all relieved.

It is amazing how one number can send images of blindness, amputations, & kidney disease running through my head. Diabetes is a very scary disease and while this number helps that anxiety about my future, it is still no guarantee. Now I will continue the shots and monitoring in anticipation of the next test...and the next...and the next.

I have to wonder, if all this worry over numbers and doctors visits is actually doing me more harm than the disease. For now, I am happy, content and elated. I will enjoy the moment for as long as I can.

I am also happy to report how well the turn out for The Race for the Cure was this weekend. My thoughts, prayers & hopes for all those touched by the disease.

Friday Notes

2007-10-12T08:12:00.000-05:00

1. Giving Blood Saves Lives....
Just not mine.

As part of the season for giving, United Way held a blood drive at our office. I dutifully went, with sweaty palms, to give blood for the first time. After all my new experiences with needles, and much blood letting at the doctors office, I just knew I would be prepared and brave (despite the somersaults my stomach was performing). I waited for what felt like an eternity, as I watched people get poked with large needles and squeeze rubber balls. Finally, I completed a screening only to be rejected!

Apparently, there is a weight limit, and I'm slightly anemic so there was no donation from me today. I wondered if I would have a problem with the diabetes, but this time the disease didn't get in my way...the rest of me did. I left feeling as if my blood was somehow not worthy and sub par. Oh well, I tried

2. Race for the cure is this weekend and I am geared up and ready to run! It should be great weather and I can't wait. Later, comes the JDRF walk and I am still mad at work to raise money.

3. Funny bit...
Apparently China had another toy recalled for safety. See left.

How Much Time Is Too Much Time?

2007-10-10T08:43:00.001-05:00

Since diagnosis, I have felt like a "good", pro-active person with diabetes. I have read every article and book I could get my hands on. I have scoured the internet, searching for answers about causes, cures, & research. I am almost fanatical about my food, carbs and shots. I have lurked over some wonderful blogs, and found comfort in other's words. Now, I am blogging and sharing my voice, but I have to wonder... is this becoming an obsession?

How much time is too much time devoted to diabetes?

I know this is still relatively new. I'm also still a little in shock, but is it normal to think about it, read about it and have it be at the forefront on your head all the time?

I don't want to be different then I was just a few short months ago, but I am. I fear I am emphasizing that difference with all of the time and effort I have dedicated to this disease, which still feels like an unwanted house guest. You know, annoying and not all that familiar, but still ALWAYS AROUND.

It has definitely caused me some serious time suckage. I think of all the things, I was focused on before. My art, my friends, my fiance, they all seem to be in the background, and I know they don't understand. So I wonder if I'm really losing myself as well. How do you balance such a dramatic shift in your life and retain yourself?

Maybe, this will pass. I do know, I can't ignore it, but I would like to.

MYSTERY SOLVED!

2007-10-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

Finally the mystery has been solved!

For a few months now, I've have the undeniable feeling that someone has been messing with me. Little things at home have disappeared or have been moved from where I've put them. Strange noises have plagued my sleep. I was starting to think I was losing my mind with how truly forgetful I had become. Then last night happened:

It's 3:15 am and I wake up in a sweat, feeling like I'm definitely low. I roll over to grab my meter to test, but find nothing on the nightstand. Not my meter, not my glucose tabs...nothing. Still out of it, and somewhat asleep, I get up thinking that I KNOW I BROUGHT MY METER WITH ME. I also KNOW there were tabs on the nightstand. I roll...OK ...I fall out of bed, and stumble downstairs to find my meter and get some juice.

Now if 'd been thinking clearly, the juice would have come first, but I wasn't. I starting looking for my case on the couch, then under the couch, then in my purse. In a frantic dance, I am now tearing apart my living room apart because I KNOW it is here somewhere. I have learned there is a fine line between being low and losing your mind, and I am now having trouble picking things up with my hands. This forces me to head to the fridge and chug the apple juice strait from the container, while I sit on the ground in front of the fridge and wait to come back up.

When I was finally feeling better, I got up to continue the pursuit of my meter, but after 30 minutes I gave in and headed back to bed. As I got to my bedroom though, I could hear my dog digging and whimpering from the corner of the room. As I called to her, and flipped on the light, I found her looking as if she were trying to dig her way to China. She looked up with a clear look of guilt, and when I pulled her out of her bed, I found it. ALL OF IT! My meter, my tabs, my lipstick, my keys to my car (I had been using my spare set). EVERYTHING I had been missing was buried in the blanket of her dog bed.

MYSTERY SOLVED
Man's Best Friend... I don't think so!
Zoe is clearly a thief, and I can now be sure that I am not completely losing my mind (at least not anymore than usual).

It's All About The Little Things

2007-10-05T07:56:00.001-05:00

To me, it's all about the little things. You know, those small quiet moments that make you smile.

It's the look on my dog's face when I'm talking to her. I just KNOW, she is desperately trying to understand me.

It's hitting every green light perfectly through rush hour traffic. The funny stare I catch as someone watches me belting out the song coming through my ipod, from inside my car.

It's the wonderful 25 minutes of silent time I have in the morning, before the world rushes in and things get crazy.

And lately, I smile every time I pull out my meter to test, all because of a silly little skin I've added to it's face. It's true....I'm well into my 20s, but I'm still a kid at heart.

Braving the Blogosphere - A New Frontier

2007-10-04T08:31:00.000-05:00

Today begins my new journey in life. I've decided to brave the blogosphere and join the OC. I've been a lurker for a while, but I'm feeling more confident, more positive and more in control than I have in a while. Since yesterday was delurking day, I've decided to completely delurk myself, and hopefully learn and share the sweet and the sour of life.

So here I am, a 29 year old newly diagnosed diabetic, and I am truly relearning how to live. My world has pretty much been under my tight control, and now things have become unpredicatable, frightening , bothersome and rather exhilerating too. Its odd to me that I would use that word exhilerating, but I'm learning to think on my feet, work a little harder and find the determiation not to let this slow me down. That is the kind of empowerment I'm striving for.

So this is the beginning of my journey, and I hope you will follow me along for the ride.