Small

It's Friday and I'm glad this week has come to an end. The past few days have not been so good for me. I'm not sure if it's the weather, the season, or just my completely unpredictable blood sugars, but I'm feeling extremely small.

I hate feeling this way. I have no reason to feel so blue. I remind myself of all the blessings that I have, and feel even guiltier when they do not comfort me. I tend to think it has definite ties to my diabetes. I came across this realization when I started having a slight aversion to all things diabetes. Normally, I hop around many d-blogs throughout my day. I look for new info or articles that give me insight, but it is now a struggle to just post myself. Where it was a comfort before, it has now become a reminder. Almost admittance of guilt. Yes, I am guilty. I am a DIABETIC. I have been drafted into the club I never wanted or planned to be a part of.

Don't get me wrong. I think of everyone I have been "introduced" to online as a precious blessing. Without the many blogs and networks of amazing people, I would be alone in this. Without the D-community, I have no one surrounding me who understands. I thank you all for that. But this is something different which has grabbed hold of me, and is causing me to sink.

I thought I was handling everything quite well. I passed through a very small time of denial, including a few weeks of really low-normal sugars. Now, the shots have become "more normal". I test regularly and pay attention to my food. I felt positive and ready to face new challenges like those crazy holiday feasting parties. Now, I'm ready to move on to something new. In my head, it's almost like I'm thinking, "Well, I've done the diabetes thing. Maybe tomorrow I'll be vegan... or I'll start riding horseback...plug in any random activity here_________." Only, if I became vegan tomorrow, I'd be vegan and diabetic. With time, the diabetes does not go away. Now, the only thing I'm certain of, is that everyday, it will be there for the rest of my life. The novelty has worn off. The fact that a simple cup of coffee with Splenda and a tablespoon of flavored creamer reflects back to me in a number of 252, no longer surprises me. Frustrates me...but I repeat, does not surprise me.

Now I feel small and helpless to change it. I also feel self-indulgent in pity, which I hate. That is not a quality I find helpful, useful or productive in any way. Oh well. This weekend I will hibernate and seek shelter in my bed. Pulling the covers over my head, and of course, occasionally coming out to test.