Butt...I don't understand!

I've often thought that I had gremlins hiding away in my house. Lurking near my dryer, waiting for that one sock they can hijack out of a clean load of laundry. Or they are sneaking in my purse to steal my keys, and place them in the oddest of locations.

This is how I like to explain things to myself, when things are missing or lost. It is certainly not the forgetful nature of my now 30 year old self. Most of the time, things show back up before a true crisis can't commence.

Butt...
I'm missing something I'm VERY attached to. I noticed it, night before last while attempting to do a set change, and I am completely horrified over it.

I've only been on a pump since November, and I've only been using insulin for less than 2 years. In that time, I have been warned about only one side effect to the insulin. Hypoglycemia. It seemed a small price to pay for my life, therefore I accepted it. So, I was really surprised to see that when I went to take out my old site, sitting at the top of my butt/hip was a HUGE DENT, where I used to have muscle and fat. It's like the insulin just dissolved everything within a half dollar size around the cannula. Literally skin over bone, and quite disturbing.

I was clearly to upset to attempt to put in a new site, and with no current script for long acting insulin, I spent the entire night, rotating shots of Novolog in any place, not visible to the average person, for fear of having another crater appear. I called my Dr. who switched me to Apidra, and gave me a Levemir script, just in case. He did not want to see me, and said since I'm coming in, in about a week or 2, to just wait. But I have to admit, I am really disturbed. No one said this could happen, and the Dr. didn't give me any explanation either. Like most any woman, losing a little fat isn't a bad thing, but this is downright disfiguring. I'm just lucky that it is in a more hidden place.

So far, the Apidra hasn't caused another problem, but I find myself constantly feeling my butt, to see if anything is different. Not the best way to impress co-workers by the way. I look up every now and again to see someone staring in disbelief at me. Oops.

I am still very afraid of the insulin at this time. While there has not been a reaction since, I've gone almost 2 years on insulin, and months with the pump with no problem until WHAM (not the group). HUGE DENT.

Anyone have any experience with this, or have at least heard of this happening? I've read many posts about getting fatty lumps from overuse, but not this.

HOLY GUACAMOLE: A Recipe for Friends For Life

This month began with my first diabetes birthday and ended with my first CWD Friends For Life Conference. There could be no better name for such a life changing experience for anyone who is touched by Type 1 diabetes.

Children, parents, grandparents and adults, from more than a dozen countries, affected by this disease, gathered together and welcomed each other with open arms in a way I have never seen before. A family like no other, and I met the most amazing new friends as seen on Manny's blog.

Those friends and family who knew I was planning to attend this conference, never ceased to remind me that I am not a child OR a parent of a child with diabetes. Truth is, I didn't need to be. I shuffled around learning all kinds of lessons in both formal classes and from new friends. I have many stories to tell, but for now I'll leave you with just a few of the things I learned:

1. I'm not the only "young" adult with diabetes in the world... who knew!
2. The word Guacamole or Guac makes an excellent substitute for some other
unsavory words that might pass through my lips around innocent ears (Sorry
kids, if I slipped occasionally)
3. INSULIN PUMPS ROCK!!!!!
4. I must fire my dictator, I mean doctor.
5. Some people, like Sara, are really good at board walk games
6. And most importantly, I AM NOT ALONE.

Thank you to all those wonderful angels I met this past week!

Actively Atkins

I'm trying something new. Well, it's not really new, but to me it is. It's the Atkin's diet.

It seems to make sense that if I eat extremely low carb/no carb, maybe I can forgo a good bit of insulin (AKA shots/lows). My only major problem (besides my love of bread & crackers)? I don't really eat meat. So I'm trying to come up with new and good foods to add to my new daily routine. I love fish, so that's a given, and of course, while I'm not a huge fan of nuts, walnuts are now a good snack substitute.

Another question I have is the inevitable, do I need insulin with this, and how much? I responsibly asked my doctor about this, and he got very upset about the idea. Seems he is not a fan, nor is the nurse he sent in to "set me straight." So I have no help from the medical profession, but I know there have to be other people out there with diabetes who follow Atkins, right? I still don't understand why everyone seems so against it.

By all means, if anyone out there has gone low carb, and has suggestions, please let me know. I would be terribly grateful.

Incredibly Late

Once again, I'm so very late to the party. I'm late to this wonderful meme that Beth tagged me with, and even to Raise Your Voice day created by Kerri. That is an absolutely amazing event she started, and I'm just now making my way through all those powerful and touching links!

It's been awhile since I've blogged or even truly engaged in my daily check-ins with all the wonderful writers who blog on the DOC. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am.

So many things have happened, life has caught up and slowed down, like I'm racing on a faulty treadmill, all the while never seeing any change of scenery. I have run to my laptop many times desperately wanting to unload and write, but after booting it up just couldn't find the words. My thoughts just seem too fast,too cluttered and too many to sort through.

Like many things in my life, sometimes it's just easier to compartmentalize aspects of my life that are too difficult, emotionally stressful, or just too time consuming to deal with. Lately, that has been my entire life, and right now, it seems I'm just pushing through to the next minute, hour or day that creeps up. AND THAT IS JUST NO LONGER WORKING FOR ME.

Evidence in point, my diabetes. Yes, I'm diabetic (I have to keep telling myself this). It has become my mantra, as of late. Yes, I'm really diabetic...check your sugar....take your insulin...count those carbs...and breath. Stress is apparently a very serious danger to the diabetic. Case in point, yet another trip to the ER for dehydration and high blood sugars. At least I got to leave after 11 hours in the ER, so thankfully no hospital stay, but still this added even more stress. I had gotten so busy and distracted with work and freelance deadlines that I just stopped checking my BGs. Every now and then when I would check it, it was always in the upper 300's to 400's. My first thought, my meter is sooo off or I must not have clean fingers. It wasn't until I realized I had lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks, that I actually checked for ketones and of course had them. To make a long story short, I postponed seeing the doctor for work reasons (even after they offered to fit me in) until I was sick and he sent me to the ER.

Then I was angry, at all the money the ER and all the follow-up visits were putting on me, as well as the time involved. In truth the anger was about me, and all the trouble that could have been avoided with some care and simple stress management. I can no longer pretend that my diabetes isn't a priority in my life. I'm really dense and late to that realization as well.

The hardest part now, is the fact that even when I take care and time to tend to my diabetes, it still doesn't behave the way I want it too. Too little insulin and I run high, definitely not enough internal production to keep me afloat. With the larger doses that my doctor wants me on, it seems some of my beta cells perk up a bit, and suddenly there is a surge and unexpected low. I feel like I have lost all control, and that makes me so unsettled. Most of these days, getting online for support, even if it means enjoying all my favorite blogs, has just been too difficult.

This week,I have finally taken the serenity prayer to heart. I've also been reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle. My goal now, is not to change what I can't, but accept and move forward. In that light, I have gotten the name of a therapist who has dealt quite a bit with diabetes, and he comes with the highest regard. I have also consulted with my CDE and dear friend, who has helped me quite a bit! Tomorrow, I am taking a deep breath and finally making the call to the therapist.

I guess today I am Raising My Voice about type 1 diabetes and now what it means to embrace it as a part of me. In the spirit of Beth's meme, here are my six words.

Learning To Love, Living Out Loud.

These seem to be the most appropriate to my life today, and seeing how late I am, I won't pass it along since most people have already received the tag. Thanks Beth! It is a hard meme, but well worth the challenge.