Trust

I sometimes think that silence is deafening, and unspoken words become like large weights that burden us. I have been residing in my own silence lately. Thinking a little too much, my brain is resembling a hamster running in a wheel. The same thoughts run through my head over and over. especially the topic of trust.

The way he cared for me when I was sick. The way he cheered me up or made me laugh. The way he made me feel safe. Most importantly, the way he made me feel loved. These feelings are so close to the surface of my heart, that I can almost call them up at will. It's amazing how strong emotions seem to replay my memories in technicolor...so vivid and vibrant. I ask myself (as does he) over and over how I can dismiss those feelings. The question then becomes, can you have love without trust?

Admittedly, I have been working through trust issues for awhile. I think that is why this one is weighing so heavy on me. T and I have dated for well over two years. I THOUGHT I knew everything about him. I was so wrong.

We traveled to see his family in Missouri for Christmas. I was so excited to meet his family (soon to be my family) and friends. It seems like the perfect timing. A true celebration of the holidays, our engagement, and a great getaway after that nasty DKA episode. I felt even closer to him as saw the traits he shares with his brothers and parents. In one moment it changed. Everything. Once again my life had taken an unexpected and unwelcome twist. A woman named Karen came knocking on his parents door to hand deliver papers. Divorce papers.

How did I miss that. I knew he had an ex named Karen, but he said he had NEVER been married. All this time he had been legally separated, but in reality I have been seeing a married man. Everyone thought I knew, and there I was feeling like a fool with a week left on this nightmarish vacation. Trust. In the blink of an eye it's gone. The man I had confided my deepest secrets to, shared some of my vulnerable moments, and he didn't trust me enough to share such an integral part of his past with me. This acquisition of those legal papers was just another thing marked off of his wedding TO DO LIST.

It has me questioning everything. Even the nature of my own person. Am I judgemental? Is that why he kept it from me? Does he consider me too delicate to handle this news? What other things will he keep from me? What does that mean for my future? Then I get angry, REALLY ANGRY. Why not divorce before we ever even started dating.

I'm not sure anymore why I still find it so incomprehensible. After all, I can no longer even trust my own body not to harm me. It eats away everyday at the few remaining beta cells within me. It has stopped performing some of the most basic tasks required for living, and I am constantly relearning and adjusting to it's whims. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything left worthy of my trust. I get so bogged down with this circling chain of thoughts, that eventually I just shut down. It's purely emotional overload.

I will have more details, including his excuses later. For now I am content to take solace in the one thing that always makes me smile. My sweet precious puppy, Zoe. You could never see a more perfect example of love.

A New Year

Happy Belated New Year to All!

I have been away quite a while, but I'm planning on making the new year spectacular! (Does it sound like I'm forcing the optimism?) It pretty much has to be, after the way last year ended. DKA, a sinus infection, stress from the holidays, traveling forever, and now a broken engagement (now that's a story, I can't write about just yet), life has to get better. Right?

I'm currently taking the path of denial and determination to plant my feet down firmly so I can gain my balance and move forward with my life (bouncing blood sugars aside). I have been absent in many things as of late, especially hopping around online, and posting on 365. I have still taken my photos, but just seems like I never have the time to post.

After returning home rather tired and broken, I retrieve my mail to find the most special Christmas card from Beth of InSearchOfBalance. Thank you for such an unexpected smile! Beth, you and Daniel are truly special people!

I'm now planning to get back into the groove, with many stories to tell. Some won't be that easy either, but I think it will help me process things a little better. Right now I feel a little like I'm on a plane, heading toward a cruising altitude. I feel the pressure in my head and watch the world blur behind me, as I things race into patterns and lines. Now I have to look ahead and land safely. That is my New Year's resolution.

Ornamental Additions

I broke down and put up Christmas decorations. I put up my tree with all my lights, and the I got out my ornaments. So many of my ornaments mark big events, like when I brought my baby girl(puppy) home or the dove ornament, I put up after my grand father died. It reminds me of the importance of the people and the moments that shape my life.

This year I added a new ornament. It's not very pretty, and looks rather displaced on the tree. It's not warm or shiny. It does not stand out among all the others and I'm OK with that.

My new ornament is the first insulin pen I was handed at the hospital. Now it is empty, and still has the faint odor of old band aids, but I kept it. It means something very important to me. It does not represent the beginning of a chronic illness/terrible disease, but the lifeline that saves me every day. If it were not for the insulin, my disease would not be chronic, but my life would be over. For this reason, I hold it in very high regard. Definitely a love/hate relationship, but I can never deny it's power or praise.

It is my one new addition to the tree and it represents my future.