Loooong time - No blog

I woke up late this morning (like 5 minutes before I was supposed to be at work)...
and realized that it was already October.

It's not the calendar that clues me in to this, but the season. It's harder to get up when the sun is still hiding from me as my alarm goes off. It's cooler, with a distinctive breeze that races through my apartment when my windows are open. It's the need to go on long walks in the early mornings or weekends just to be outside with all the beautiful reds and oranges as the leaves change. It is by far, my favorite time of year.

It's interesting to me that this year, it has quite literally snuck up on me. So many things have happened (and are happening) that I feel as if I'm being carried away by that strong October wind.

A quick recap.
1. My workplace has started trimming the fat with buyouts, and I have been on two job interviews in the last week. I'm not worried about my job, but the environment is getting tense!
2. My brother went missing for well over 2 months. I actually had to call the police in Spokane, to go by and check out his house. No help though. His car was gone and it just left us wondering. I found out two weeks ago that he's in China visiting a friend and attending a wedding. CHINA!!! You'd think if you were going to China for months, you would TELL SOMEONE!!! While I'm glad he's well, he might be in mortal danger the next time I see him!
3. I had a long talk with my doctor last week. Just when I'm ready to fire him, he changes. He was so cool, nice, funny and we actually communicated. Turns out, he didn't trust me to be on the pump. He was afraid I would manipulate my insulin, and would not take it seriously. He apparently thought the last time I had DKA, I was deliberately trying to lose weight. Foolish him. So now...

I AM GETTING A PUMP!!!!!

I am waiting to hear from him this week about my updated labs... and then we order the pump!!! He made a follow up for Dec. 2, and according to my nurse, that should be after I've been on the pump for a few weeks. That means I should be using the pump in less than a month. I'll probably be posting a lot during this time. I can't believe how excited I am about a medical device...Sad. Today, it would have saved me. In my attempt to rush to work, I forgot my basal shot. The extra trip home at lunch sucked.

For the record, I woke up at 6:55 am, and walked in the door to work at 7:10. Damn, I'm good!

So Pumped!

Goofy picture aside, I'm so pumped about pumping!

Last week at the CWD conference, I had the unexpected pleasure of trying out 2 insulin pumps with saline. The plan was to ask my doc for a script before the conference, but I sank with intimidation during the actual visit. Fortunately for me, there were nice people available at the various pump companies who were writing scripts. SHHHH! Don't tell. Imagine my surprise when the rep said, "do you want to try it?" -Yeah!

In my excitement to try the pod, I almost forgot about the insertion factor. You know, that unexplainable fear of something not just poking me with a large needle, but ACTUALLY REMAINING UNDER MY SKIN. This has long been a road block in my interest for a pump. I was pleasantly relieved when they placed the pod on the back of my arm, and the most painful part was waiting for the pod to strike. No pain. AT ALL. Heck, a finger stick was more painful than that.

The next day I was Pinged by Animas. Again the excitement almost surpassed the fear. We got to do the complete prep of filling the reservoir and rewinding the pump. I was totally fascinated, but as we pulled out the Inset 30 (the one with that really long needle), my fear returned in full force. This was different than the pod. The pod required no real work from me. I just awaited the needle. This one required that I cocked it like a GUN, aimed and shot myself with this device. I prepped it and held it up against my skin, feeling my face begin to redden. The trainer counted down to the count of 3.

3. 2. 1.

Nothing.

I couldn't do it. It's just not normal. I felt as though it was my first self-injection, surreal and invasive. I told the woman that I couldn't do it in the most serious tone. She answered back very up beat, "Sure you can!" WHAP! She nailed me on my back, and out of surprise I pushed down on the buttons. It was in before I even realized I did it. No pain, no discomfort, and no reason for that massive anxiety.

The rest of the day, I was flashing my site in triumph and playing around with every feature on the pump and ping I could figure out. With all the saline boluses, I was being seasoned like a ham. I played with it for a full day, and even had my first occasion to figure out where to put it in a dress. The ping makes that so easy! I hid it on the back of my bra and then bolused with the ping in my purse. No need to mess with the pump at all. VERY COOL!

Between the insertion sites and being attached to something 24/7, I had reservations. Now I'm having pump envy against all of you who wear a pump. The flexibility and control is unmatched by shots and pens. I still don't think I could do the pod pump, because I know I would lose the controller. If it's life saving AND ultra important, it doesn't stand a shot of staying around. The other pumps are now in serious running against each other for my love and affection. Now, if I can just get my doctor on board.

HOLY GUACAMOLE: A Recipe for Friends For Life

This month began with my first diabetes birthday and ended with my first CWD Friends For Life Conference. There could be no better name for such a life changing experience for anyone who is touched by Type 1 diabetes.

Children, parents, grandparents and adults, from more than a dozen countries, affected by this disease, gathered together and welcomed each other with open arms in a way I have never seen before. A family like no other, and I met the most amazing new friends as seen on Manny's blog.

Those friends and family who knew I was planning to attend this conference, never ceased to remind me that I am not a child OR a parent of a child with diabetes. Truth is, I didn't need to be. I shuffled around learning all kinds of lessons in both formal classes and from new friends. I have many stories to tell, but for now I'll leave you with just a few of the things I learned:

1. I'm not the only "young" adult with diabetes in the world... who knew!
2. The word Guacamole or Guac makes an excellent substitute for some other
unsavory words that might pass through my lips around innocent ears (Sorry
kids, if I slipped occasionally)
3. INSULIN PUMPS ROCK!!!!!
4. I must fire my dictator, I mean doctor.
5. Some people, like Sara, are really good at board walk games
6. And most importantly, I AM NOT ALONE.

Thank you to all those wonderful angels I met this past week!

In Honor of My Mother

Today, I just wanted to give love and thanks to my mother.

Throughout my life, she has picked me up when I have stumbled. She has believed in me when I have not. She has shaped and guided me through every obstacle and important decision. Even today at thirty, she still sees me as her little girl.

I know that motherhood is a beautiful thing. It fosters an unconditional love that is unlike anything else. I see that love come to light through my mother, with every glance she gives me, and every phone call I get at the glimpse of possible bad weather.
Every sacrifice she has made for me, both big and small is remembered. Like the way she cared for me after I came home from a 3 week hospital visit, after my appendix ruptured. She even drove to the store late one night in curlers, and a fur coat over her housecoat to satisfy my craving for Delta Gold potato chips when my appetite was pretty poor.

While sometimes I take her love for granted, or just don't realize her advice is coming from a place of love and protection, I always know that I am stronger for her being behind me through life.

Thank you mom, God has blessed my life with you. Happy Mother's Day!

Actively Atkins

I'm trying something new. Well, it's not really new, but to me it is. It's the Atkin's diet.

It seems to make sense that if I eat extremely low carb/no carb, maybe I can forgo a good bit of insulin (AKA shots/lows). My only major problem (besides my love of bread & crackers)? I don't really eat meat. So I'm trying to come up with new and good foods to add to my new daily routine. I love fish, so that's a given, and of course, while I'm not a huge fan of nuts, walnuts are now a good snack substitute.

Another question I have is the inevitable, do I need insulin with this, and how much? I responsibly asked my doctor about this, and he got very upset about the idea. Seems he is not a fan, nor is the nurse he sent in to "set me straight." So I have no help from the medical profession, but I know there have to be other people out there with diabetes who follow Atkins, right? I still don't understand why everyone seems so against it.

By all means, if anyone out there has gone low carb, and has suggestions, please let me know. I would be terribly grateful.

You have to be kidding me!

OK. In the spirit of my new positivity, I planned on calling the Psychologist on Monday. I pulled out the sticky note and stared at it for a minute. Two hours later, I got up the nerve to actually pick up the phone and dial. Four rings and I hung up. That felt like the longest four rings of my life, and before the 5th rolled around, I knew it wasn't meant to be.

Heck, what do I need to see him for! right??

Three hours pass, and I try again, determined to do this. After ring TWELVE, the answering machine picks up, and if you think I'm leaving a message then clearly you don't know me. I mean does anybody even really work there?

TODAY: After much internal debate and serious struggle, I try again. Eureka! There is actually somebody on the other end. This was by far the ONLY ANSWER I received today.

I asked the woman politely if Dr. B. was accepting new patients, and if he accepted my insurance. She didn't reply to the first question, but told me "the group" took my insurance. She then told me she didn't know if he did and put me on hold for 25 minutes. She then directed me to my insurance co., to ask them if he was a participating provider. I also found out, that without insurance, he was $175 per 45-50 minutes. I am SO in the wrong profession. With my insurance, it would cost me a $50 copay. much better.

I knew that referral to my insurance spelled trouble. Last time I called my insurance co. about insulin pump coverage they told me they didn't know what pumps they covered. I should call my DME provider, as they are 100% in charge of getting/approving a pump?.? These are the same people who send me my strips and needles a week late, and bill me for self administered injestions.

I, in a very positive way, go ahead and call the insurance customer service. Again, I was told they didn't know (SHOCK!). First, they told me to call the doctor and ask him. When I explained to them that the doc's office told me to call my insurance co., they directed me to the group which employs the doctors. A 1-800 number, option 2. So I dial that number and hit option 2. I was presented with 3 new options that had only to do with medicare. MEDICARE???

OK. So I dial the # again and listen to all the options (again 3). 1- For employees 2- For medicare 3- for employers/doctors referrals

I press 1?? And get a person. YEAH!!!

"I'm trying to find out if a doctor is on my insurance's provider list, can you help me?"

"Sure, what is his name?"

"Dr. B"

"Could you give me a phone # for him, so I can verify that this is the right Doctor?"

"Sure, it's xxx-xxxx"

"Yes he is a provider." And she hung up.

Now, tell me if I'm crazy, but all she told me was that he was a doctor." I KNEW THAT! She never asked me my name, address or most importantly MY INSURANCE CO!

Now, besides thinking that while phones work great for communication, people really stink at it, I firmly believe this was not meant to be. I shouldn't need therapy session just to get me to the therapist in the first place!

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. maybe.

Incredibly Late

Once again, I'm so very late to the party. I'm late to this wonderful meme that Beth tagged me with, and even to Raise Your Voice day created by Kerri. That is an absolutely amazing event she started, and I'm just now making my way through all those powerful and touching links!

It's been awhile since I've blogged or even truly engaged in my daily check-ins with all the wonderful writers who blog on the DOC. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am.

So many things have happened, life has caught up and slowed down, like I'm racing on a faulty treadmill, all the while never seeing any change of scenery. I have run to my laptop many times desperately wanting to unload and write, but after booting it up just couldn't find the words. My thoughts just seem too fast,too cluttered and too many to sort through.

Like many things in my life, sometimes it's just easier to compartmentalize aspects of my life that are too difficult, emotionally stressful, or just too time consuming to deal with. Lately, that has been my entire life, and right now, it seems I'm just pushing through to the next minute, hour or day that creeps up. AND THAT IS JUST NO LONGER WORKING FOR ME.

Evidence in point, my diabetes. Yes, I'm diabetic (I have to keep telling myself this). It has become my mantra, as of late. Yes, I'm really diabetic...check your sugar....take your insulin...count those carbs...and breath. Stress is apparently a very serious danger to the diabetic. Case in point, yet another trip to the ER for dehydration and high blood sugars. At least I got to leave after 11 hours in the ER, so thankfully no hospital stay, but still this added even more stress. I had gotten so busy and distracted with work and freelance deadlines that I just stopped checking my BGs. Every now and then when I would check it, it was always in the upper 300's to 400's. My first thought, my meter is sooo off or I must not have clean fingers. It wasn't until I realized I had lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks, that I actually checked for ketones and of course had them. To make a long story short, I postponed seeing the doctor for work reasons (even after they offered to fit me in) until I was sick and he sent me to the ER.

Then I was angry, at all the money the ER and all the follow-up visits were putting on me, as well as the time involved. In truth the anger was about me, and all the trouble that could have been avoided with some care and simple stress management. I can no longer pretend that my diabetes isn't a priority in my life. I'm really dense and late to that realization as well.

The hardest part now, is the fact that even when I take care and time to tend to my diabetes, it still doesn't behave the way I want it too. Too little insulin and I run high, definitely not enough internal production to keep me afloat. With the larger doses that my doctor wants me on, it seems some of my beta cells perk up a bit, and suddenly there is a surge and unexpected low. I feel like I have lost all control, and that makes me so unsettled. Most of these days, getting online for support, even if it means enjoying all my favorite blogs, has just been too difficult.

This week,I have finally taken the serenity prayer to heart. I've also been reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle. My goal now, is not to change what I can't, but accept and move forward. In that light, I have gotten the name of a therapist who has dealt quite a bit with diabetes, and he comes with the highest regard. I have also consulted with my CDE and dear friend, who has helped me quite a bit! Tomorrow, I am taking a deep breath and finally making the call to the therapist.

I guess today I am Raising My Voice about type 1 diabetes and now what it means to embrace it as a part of me. In the spirit of Beth's meme, here are my six words.

Learning To Love, Living Out Loud.

These seem to be the most appropriate to my life today, and seeing how late I am, I won't pass it along since most people have already received the tag. Thanks Beth! It is a hard meme, but well worth the challenge.