New Hope For The New Year

And so it starts again. A fresh year, full of possibilities and I have that feeling. You know, the one where you feel like you cam make things happen. It's the feeling one has right before they write out their new year's resolutions.

I don't do resolutions. They seem like temporary goals to me, kind of like the word "diet". They almost imply a transient state, one that is filled with unrealistic goals, impossible to maintain. So this year, while there will be no resolutions, there will be change. there. has. to. be.

I have been in this rut far too long. I can honestly say depression is the appropriate word. I took off for a wonderful week at CWD, and came home to find much of my world had crumbled. It is shocking how things change in just a week, or even a year for that matter.

We had several more pay cuts, massive buyouts, several managers jumping ship, and new managers that are effectively having us walk the plank on a daily basis. Our publisher even resigned, and now walking the floor of work is like walking through a ghost town full of empty desks, and remembered voices. It is stressful and sad, and very hard to not become beaten down. Between work and watching our advertisers who have been in business 100+ years go under, there has been little hope for the future.

For the past 4 months the mantra "Be thankful I have a job and insurance" are constantly racing through my brain, and yet there is little comfort.

Today things feel awkwardly different. Good things are slowly developing, and the new year is already seeing some bright spots.

1st bright spot. HP is FINALLY replacing my laptop!! After it has been sent to HP 4 (yes I said 4) times, and it still not being fixed, they are replacing it with one that is easily twice as powerful. It has been over 4 months of spending weeks at a time without a computer, hours on the phone with several customer service agents arguing over warranty info (it died one month from expiration) and several momentary excitements while it works for just a few weeks. This past Tuesday I picked it up from Fed Ex, and after having it be on for just 10 minutes, it hit a new all time record for crashing after the "blue screen", and later declared "operating system not found". Now I am borrowing my dad's Acer.

But for all the trouble I've been through, I can see a bright side. My case manager is sending me a new one next week, with a quad core, 4 Gig ram, 500 gig hard drive and many other upgrades. All I can think is that God works in mysterious ways. If it had waited just a few weeks to die, there would be no warranty. For it's timing I am truly grateful!

Bright spot #2. I am going back to school. Yeah! It starts next week, and I'm pretty nervous, because it's been sooo long since I've done this. The plan is to get some pre-reqs, and next year take both the MCAT and apply for an accelerated Master program in nursing. I can't keep letting my work stress me out, so I'm pursuing my very first interests in medicine. I have my hopes on the nursing program,. but if I do well on the MCAT, Im totally applying to med school. I'm not sure what the future holds for these careers with health care reform coming, but I'm following my heart.

Bright spot # 3. Not sure how this will fit in with school and work, but I'm dating again. It's exciting, but I'm still taking it slow.

And finally, I'm having an absolute blast playing on my Wii/Wii Fit Plus I got for Christmas. I'm totally kicking it in rhythm kung fu! Beating my blood sugars to the ground!

For everyone in the d-blogosphere, I've missed you and so much of what has been going on. Hopefully this year will bring everyone health happiness and love. It has to be better than last year! Happy New year!!!

You Pump?

Have you ever heard of something or someone hiding in plain sight? It's amazing to me, how close you can be to something and not know it.

For the past (almost) 2 years, I have searched for people who understand all the new and complex details of my life as a PWD. I have found that community through my little laptop's window, in the DOC. I have gained so much more than I could have ever imagined, from this family full of strangers. It is a comfort and understanding that led me to CWD's Friends For Life, where I met some of the most amazing PWDs in person.

It was almost a week of feeling normal and most importantly understood. My parents couldn't fathom me wanting to spend my vacation at a conference focused entirely on a disease. What they didn't understand was the knowledge and support that feels like a second home.

As July approaches, I am gearing up to go back, and I am getting more excited with every day. In some ways, it is just a relief to get away from the stress of everyday life, including a second round of pay cuts, and fear about what my future holds. More importantly though, it is the camaraderie and community of real people that I crave. I long for it more often than I care to admit.

When it comes to my diabetes, in everyday life, I feel very alone. Only my very close friends know I'm diabetic, and that is pretty much the extent of their involvement. Don't misunderstand, if I'm asking for help, they are the first to come and answer my call. They will get me what ever I ask for, but if I couldn't ask, I would doubt anyone would know what to do. I don't think the diabetes would even cross their mind. I hate asking for help, or even appearing weak enough to need it. I'm classically OK. Sure, I may be bleeding profusely after falling on a pair of scissors, but just give me a minute to walk it off...I'm OK (true story).

So after keeping my D on the DL, I was surprised when a co worker and friend approached me today with the question, "Do you pump?." My look of complete astonishment must have shown in my inability to respond.
After a minute, she points to my green Ping, clipped to my pants.
"yes" is all I could get out.

Now, usually my pump is hiding somewhere on my person. The ability to bolus remotely was a HUGE selling point for my pump. In other words, I forgot that it was clipped out in plain sight. She starts asking me about our insurance benefits for pumps/supplies, since her daughter is type 1.

Now, I know this woman well. I've had lots of discussions about her daughter that's in college. About her ex-husband and their issues. How in all this time, had I not known that small piece of information. And WHY did that small conversation starter, make me feel connected in a strange new way.

Turns out that her daughter was on a Minimed with her husbands insurance, but since he's not paying her bills, she having problems with paying and getting supplies. She's also now on CGMS since, a few months ago, a friend found her passed out in her dorm room, from an almost deadly low. Her roommate was out of town, and she could not remember almost 24 hours from when she woke up in the hospital. FYI, it was an out of warranty insulin pump MALFUNCTION that caused the low. REALLY SCARY!

Regardless of the scary and terrible story, I walked away from our conversation hopeful. She knows. She understands. Her daughter is coming down next week, and I will get to meet her, and show her my pump as I explain our current benefits to my friend (she's thinking about switching her over to her insurance, so she could get a new pump.) Right now, I am left wondering who else may share this bond, and what other things, do I and others close to me, not know about one another. I would certainly love to find out.

Dear Endo...

Dear Endo,
Yet again, I walk through your double doors, expecting to hear angels singing, while feeling the white, warm light, shining down on my face. It is fitting after all, since I have place you on this pedestal, that sits high enough to be in the heavens. No other doctor, compares to you. You are the only one who can see the true me, the sick me, even though that is not how I feel or look.

I approach, awaiting my judgment day. I get ready to stand before your nurses, with high blood pressure and nerves, hoping you will, sometime soon, grace me with your presence.

I prepare, plan and wait for this moment, each time that I come. Sometimes, just thinking about this moment scares me into submission, and other times, it leads me to rebel.

I am anxious, and eager to hear what you have to say. Each time, I hope that your answers will dramatically change my life in a profound way. Secretly, I know you have the cure to that sick side, that I hide. With each question I ask, I am chipping away slowly to the perfect treatment, or permanent solution that you hold somewhere in that room, that has the damn scale.

Instead, I am brought back down to reality. There is no singing. The only white light is coming from obscenely fluorescent lights. The nurses are dripping in hospital blue and sporting crocs instead of halos. My blood pressure and BG are the only thing rising to the heavens at this moment.

My judgment comes with a new, in house, A1c machine that immediately sucked, after it delivered a number of 11.4 (note to self.. in heaven, it wouldn't have moved from 5.8)

And then you enter my room, slightly shorter than I remember, with a speed and demeanor that said you weren't taking questions. You balk at me, offer no answers, and then request to babysit me and my basals by having me fax my logs daily. You finally entertain my question about the problem behind me, and can tell me little. When I press you about the lipoatrophy, you get annoyed, leave the room and do a consult next door. Your loud voices, carry to my room, and I now know, none of you have actually seen it in practice. After a little referencing, you return with a anecdote of, "It's just a random side effect of the insulin. Let me know if it happens again and we'll change your insulin again"

I leave now realizing (once again) that you are not a god. I care, and know more about MY health than anyone - even you. This disease is mine, and I am responsible for it completely.

I leave today feeling so grateful for all the info and support from my DOC community, that far surpass your "team" that treat my disease. I wonder why I need to see you so often, but I've decided, that you can write my scripts and order my tests. period.

Someone needs to call an ambulance!

OK, so lately things have been better. No new dents or craters, and I've found the adjustment to Apidra pretty seamless. And then came today, where the world started turning in the opposite direction, and everything became somewhat surreal.

A little back story about work. We have been changing a lot in reference to a new and poorly defined work flow. My boss is pretty incompetent (and I'm being extremely nice).

Lately my usually cheery demeanor has been, well less cheery out of sheer frustration. On top of this, our workplace is making us jump through all kinds of medical wellness hoops to get the full insurance subsidy from the company (a whole other future post.)We are having to get mandatory blood drawn (AT WORK) for tests, along with BMI and blood pressure tests. The goal is to find health problems early.

Today, was my day to be singled out.

I started with the usual routine, with the exception of having to fast for my blood tests in the afternoon. I'm not sure if my tolerance was low because I was food deprived or I was actually low, but I lost my buffer. You know, the one that keeps you from saying what you are REALLY thinking. One of my close friends, had repeatedly said I was in "rare form". So of course, this would be the day my boss would pull me into a conference room to "talk". He said he was concerned, not about my work, but he thought he was seeing that I had reservations about our new system. He asked me to share my concerns, because he genuinely wanted feedback.

I kept thinking, TODAY?!? Your asking me today?. I quietly attempted to pull myself back, and I said, "What I think really isn't important." Please let this go!! Please! Of course he didn't and so it came out. everything. Every grievance, every assault on his management skills, everything thing he was doing wrong and how it affected the group as a whole. I couldn't believe I was speaking unbuffered. Who was I? I didn't even recognize myself.

Now USUALLY, my boss gets quiet and ends the conversation as soon as he doesn't approve of the direction. Instead, he listened and talked it out AND APOLOGIZED A LOT!!!! For over an hour, he listened to my plight and conceded. Who was he? He certainly did not resemble my boss of over 10 years. We worked a lot of things out and walked out actually laughing. I still have trouble believing it, and I am surprised at how much better I feel to have voiced all that resentment (although I still feel like HR might call me).

So, about 30 minutes later, I was off for my tests. I filled out my form (which doesn't have a place to put diabetic), and got my blood work, via finger stick, done. It was officially completed with a large bandaid I have to laugh at. I mean, if I did that after every pin prick, I would look pretty silly.

I waited for my name to be called, and when I approached, she was praising my cholesterol, BP and BMI. And then I heard it. "this can't be right. let me check that...you said your fasting?" "Yes" I replied. Pacing back and forth from the machines, I hear her say, " this can't be right. Someone look at this...Is the machine working? It is? Someone needs to call an ambulance. QUICKLY!!! Her blood sugar is 410!"

After being waived off several times, she finally heard me AFTER she announce to THE ENTIRE ROOM my blood sugar. "I have diabetes!" I was trying not to alert everyone of my health condition, but I had to practically yell to get her attention.

Her reaction was so anticlimactic. "Oh, well nevermind. So, here are your results, do you have any questions?" Yeah, what happened to the privacy act... So I ducked my head, and retrieved my bags and went home (it was now after quitting time).I was still in shock on my drive home. I know stress can raise BG numbers, but 410? I rage bolused and drove home, and I am now around 240 and tired. I plan on taking a hot bath, and going to bed early tonight. Maybe tomorrow, the world will return to normal, or I will wake up finding out it was just a dream

Butt...I don't understand!

I've often thought that I had gremlins hiding away in my house. Lurking near my dryer, waiting for that one sock they can hijack out of a clean load of laundry. Or they are sneaking in my purse to steal my keys, and place them in the oddest of locations.

This is how I like to explain things to myself, when things are missing or lost. It is certainly not the forgetful nature of my now 30 year old self. Most of the time, things show back up before a true crisis can't commence.

Butt...
I'm missing something I'm VERY attached to. I noticed it, night before last while attempting to do a set change, and I am completely horrified over it.

I've only been on a pump since November, and I've only been using insulin for less than 2 years. In that time, I have been warned about only one side effect to the insulin. Hypoglycemia. It seemed a small price to pay for my life, therefore I accepted it. So, I was really surprised to see that when I went to take out my old site, sitting at the top of my butt/hip was a HUGE DENT, where I used to have muscle and fat. It's like the insulin just dissolved everything within a half dollar size around the cannula. Literally skin over bone, and quite disturbing.

I was clearly to upset to attempt to put in a new site, and with no current script for long acting insulin, I spent the entire night, rotating shots of Novolog in any place, not visible to the average person, for fear of having another crater appear. I called my Dr. who switched me to Apidra, and gave me a Levemir script, just in case. He did not want to see me, and said since I'm coming in, in about a week or 2, to just wait. But I have to admit, I am really disturbed. No one said this could happen, and the Dr. didn't give me any explanation either. Like most any woman, losing a little fat isn't a bad thing, but this is downright disfiguring. I'm just lucky that it is in a more hidden place.

So far, the Apidra hasn't caused another problem, but I find myself constantly feeling my butt, to see if anything is different. Not the best way to impress co-workers by the way. I look up every now and again to see someone staring in disbelief at me. Oops.

I am still very afraid of the insulin at this time. While there has not been a reaction since, I've gone almost 2 years on insulin, and months with the pump with no problem until WHAM (not the group). HUGE DENT.

Anyone have any experience with this, or have at least heard of this happening? I've read many posts about getting fatty lumps from overuse, but not this.

DOWN Like the Market

Lately my mood has been ... well down.

With all the lay offs around me and fears of what the future might bring, I can't help but feel unprepared and helpless. Last Monday, we were told that everyone in our company would have to take a mandatory 2 week unpaid furlough. Granted, I count myself very lucky not to be laid off, or have a permanent pay cut. Many of our sister papers have had 15% across the board pay cuts, lay offs, and many have closed. My friends regularly send me cartoons with the newspapers labeled RIP in graveyards and such. Last week, my mom called and got my voice mail at work. When I called her back, she was absolutely panicked because my voice mail said that I "could no be reached at this extension." She just knew I was fired (thanks mom!). As it stands, we have had 6 people moved out of the design department leaving the remaining few of us overworked. The stress and uncertainty is wreaking havoc on my control.

Worry is sometimes a helpful tool. I do not know if our industry will survive, and so I have spent a lot of time dwelling on what I need to do to prepare. My faith is helping me though so far, and faith sometimes works in mysterious ways.

I have taken the past 2 days off. Work is really busy, and since I now have over 5 weeks off, it seemed like a good time. It has been a great break, today especially.

I went on a relaxed mid-morning run at the local greenway. As I was heading back toward my car, 6 bikers flew past me. I noticed that one of them was a multiple amputee. He had lost his left leg at the hip and left arm at the elbow. AND HE WAS RIDING THAT ROAD BIKE WITH ONE LEG! AMAZING!

When I got to my car, they were all gathered around the parking lot. There were at least 20 military amputees, and they were all in competitive training. Most were on road bikes, some were on arm powered bikes.They even had service dogs who were romping around the bikes, clearly having a blast. They were all so nice and positive and INSPIRING! I talked to a few of them, and words can't describe how I felt afterward. It certainly put my life and attitude in check. Like with any disability or obstacle, it seems like spirit and true determination can overcome.

I left there feeling hopeful, optimistic, and oddly powerful. It was just what I needed for my stock to go up.

Insurance Woes

I'm feeling much better today, after worrying all weekend over a huge and inaccurate bill I received from Animas. It seems after the pump bill was sent and paid by my insurance provider, Animas has decided to go after a new contract rate. Friday, I received a bill for a large part of it. Now it's being straightened out, and I'm pretty sure my insurance will stick to their guns, but just the thought of all that extra money has made my stomach do somersaults.

In general, I seem to have a sensitive panic button. That really bothers me. Even knowing there was nothing I could do over the weekend, that I knew it was probably a huge mistake, and that worrying was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but making me ill, I still focused on the worst possible scenarios. I can't stand that I do that.

I can tell myself that it keeps me from ever being disappointed or even surprised, but that's not really true. I think maybe, not having complete control is almost intolerable. It seems preparing for all possibilities, even the worst, gives me the feeling of control. An instant way to reclaim order and prepare. In the mean time, I'm sure it detracts me from enjoying the time in between, and is taking years off my life via stress.

Diabetes has certainly left me feeling vulnerable and insecure at times (too often). Especially when I think about money, insurance, and the fact that I will be dependent on these for the rest of my life. Being at the hands of other people to help control/manage my health is humbling and sobering. I've never had much need to become familiar with doctors & specialists. I've had little experience with dealing with insurance companies and things like coverage. That is until diabetes arrived.

Just two weeks ago, I had to spend over 2 hours on the phone with my insurance company, when a computer glitch caused my insulin to be denied. MY INSULIN. MY LIFE. That's pretty scary if you simply don't have the money to pay full price. (I did find out that they covered CGM at 100%, so not a completely bad call)

It's so hard to find a balance between preparedness, and pessimism. I've spent most of the day feeling silly for the anger and worry, that my friends were talking me down from on Friday. I'm sure as time goes on, I will be a pro at handling all the bumps in the road that come from diabetes. But I wish I didn't have to. I wish no one had to. maybe one day...

PRESTO!

Last Friday, I got a UPS notice that something required my adult signature and that they have missed me twice on delivery. Since then, it has been torturing me that I don't know who it's from or what it is. The only info I could get from the tracking # was that it was from Massachusetts. Adult signature required... could it be pump stuff? No, I haven't ordered any. A belated Christmas gift? No, I don't know anyone from there. I repeat, it was absolutely driving me nuts.

So today I come home to a UPS package in front of my door. I suppose signatures are not required on Tuesdays. Of course, I run upstairs and open it, before I could even let my dog out. I sliced open the package and Presto! No really, that's what it was. I got the Agamatrix Presto meter that I signed up for IN JULY at the CWD conference. It came complete with every pamphlet they could throw at you, an extra customized leopard case, red meter and a discount cards for strips.



Now I would be really excited if it came with actual sample strips. I've heard from a lot of people that Agamatrix meters, like the Keynote, are pretty accurate. This is why, it was the only meter I was super interested in at the conference.

It did come with the discount card, but NO ONE sells their strips (or meters) in B'ham in retail. NO ONE! I will have to order them online, where I can't use the discount card. Now, in all fairness, their strips are really reasonably priced, but I would like to actually try it before investing further. I also hate having to wait on something to ship before I get to use my new and nifty gadget.

Curious to excited to disappointed in a matter of minutes. Oh well, till I get around to ordering anything, it will be one more meter I get to add to the diabetes closet.

New Year, New Hope, New Vlog

OK, so it's a new year, and I've made no resolutions, because then I would surely fail. Instead, in my optimism following a long and much needed vacation, I'm working on trying new things. Better D-management, new foods, new books, and even trying to vlog. I know, I know... what was I thinking! Well, I'm probably not, so I'm apologizing in advance for the poor quality (computer webcam) and the ugly picture (Oh wait that's just me!) I really hope I look better in person, but I digress.


1st Offical Vlog from Mandysweetlife on Vimeo.


In case you can't hear me, I'm basically curious on every one's opinions on A1c vs meter averages. Mine never match and I've just about decided that my meter doesn't really count. Especially since I got back another A1c this weekend and it hasn't changed at all. It's a great A1c of 5.8, and I really won't complain. My averages on my meter however have been 209, 197 and 197 for my 30, 60, & 90 day overall average. Does a blood sugar of 300 really affect you if it doesn't show in the long term perspective? That's my internal fear. I'm trying to determine whether to actually start basal testing and carb ratio testing (you know, really USING my pump), but I'm not sure it's worth it. My doc was pretty easy going last week, so when I told him "I'm good", he didn't question. Makes for very quick and painless visits with no logs or downloads included.

If you choose to watch my very amateur vlog, the password is sweetlife. I plan to vlog more if people actually want to see it. Certainly no hard feelings if you don't. I just know how much I enjoy those of you who already vlog. Thanx!

One Week

This has been a crazy, hectic and wonderfully exhausting holiday week. I hope everyone had fantastic Thanksgiving and I look forward to finally getting a chance to read what is going on around the D-blogasphere.

In my world, there has been so much to post about, with little time to do so. To top off all my holiday madness, of family and unrecognizable homemade casseroles, it has been exactly one week since I started using my insulin pump.

Last Monday, I walked into my CDE's office a little anxious, nervous and slightly pessimistic. I had a few moments in the training session, where I actually felt guilty that my CDE noticed I wasn't sharing her excitement and thrill for me. I'm not terribly good at faking it. Three hours later I walked out a little more excited, but now even more self conscious.

That first few days were shaky. There were many calls from my trainer (sometimes twice in one night). I kept hearing about the possibility of going low, but instead I was running high. I was correcting with every blood sugar check. The testing seemed constant and tiring especially with the 3AM tests. I have easily been testing more in the last week than in the entire last year.

Wednesday afternoon I had a breaking point. I felt terrible, and stressed (Thanksgiving is our biggest paper of the year.) I figured I was low, so I tested.
5.4.3.2.1..445?! Not the number I was expecting, but it explained my crabbiness and cottonmouth. After a rundown of things, I discovered blood in my tubing. I took a shot, pulled the site out, and just about gave up.

Thanksgiving came and so did my blessed family. After a long talk with my cousin, (who's a nurse), I gave my pump another chance. I even tried a new feature, the combo bolus, which came in handy during an afternoon of Thanksgiving grazing. My cousin made me realize that it's not the pump I hate, it's the visible representation of the disease. As my cousin put it, I should look at it as a wonderful advancement made in the treatment of the disease. Just one of many to come and I should be grateful to have access to the many tools that are available to allow me to live life to it's fullest. He's right. I've thought a lot about what he said, and realized I have not really given the pump a chance. I have taken for granted this amazing little piece of machinery.

Today, I am still having numbers that are slightly high, but I am a work in progress. I have discovered the temporary basal feature, and I'm in love with it. Amazingly, I have not had ONE LOW! I have also been thrilled with giving boluses and corrections that are so very precise. While I'm still adjusting to having a new extension of myself, the pump most certainly beats shots any day of the week.

Tomorrow I see my Endo for a follow up. I don't know if this visit will be any different, but I do know the pump is a keeper and I am thankful.

Jump to the Pump

Friday afternoon, I received a call from downstairs postal that a large package had arrived for me. With complete excitement I went downstairs to find that my pump and 3 months of supplies had finally come. As I struggled to carry the package (yes, I broke a heel while trying to carry the heavy, awkward box), people were surrounding me asking me what I had gotten. I immediately became quiet, not really wanting to answer. I simply shrugged.

Once I got home, I was once again in pump euphoria and quickly started pulling out box after box to get to the most important one. The actual box containing the pump was huge and I ripped into it. It contained all kinds of books, sample sets, the pump, meter, software...basically everything but the kitchen sink. I quickly put a few batteries in and was ready to play.

Having tried the pump at CWD, I was already a little familiar with many of the buttons and features. Still, I was just like a kid at Christmas playing with a new toy.

I decided to wear it around for a couple of days just to get used to it, and found that I became annoyed. v.e.r.y. annoyed. Within just one day, I started questioning my decision. Suddenly it felt like a reminder, something I couldn't just take off once I was "live." It's one thing to love a gadget, and be happy about the possibility of having some flexibility, but I really hadn't THOUGHT about what it would be like to have this thing with me 24/7.

So here's my dilemma. My pump trainer (and oh so amazing CDE) wants me to train the week of Thanksgiving. Waiting wouldn't really be a bad thing, BUT I only have 30 days from PUMP SHIP DATE to decide if I want to keep it. Earlier I would have never thought returning it would have been a consideration, but now? Well, I don't know. I would like to have some time to actually be using the pump for a little while so I can make an informed decision. Am I wrong? Is a 3 week wait to train the norm, when you have a 30 return policy?

There's also the issue of something going wrong at a holiday. Will someone be available if I need them. I have a follow up with my doc on Dec. 2 and I'm supposed to see him after I've been on the pump a few weeks, but that's just 1. Should I reschedule even if it means they can't see me for another month or 2?? I just don't know.

What I do know is that I was already disappointed about the recall delay; that over $1,000 dollars is a lot to pay if I'm not certain; that starting the pump around the holidays in general seems tricky; that I'm not so sure and excited like I was initially. Any Finally, I know that all the extra calls, appointments and hassles just to order the pump,supplies and strips (while also making sure everything is covered by insurance), have felt like I was jumping through never ending hoops. I mean who knew the easiest and quickest thing was actually getting the insurance approval itself.

In short, I am having severe pre-pump jitters, and I might be a "runaway" pumper.

D Bloging Day

Just one year ago, I wrote my first D-blog day post. I was just a few months out from diagnosis and still trying to find out how I'd changed, I looked to a new community on the internet to find other voices of those who understood. It seemed almost impossible at that time to believe that others were living with this disease, and yet I found people who were not just living, but thriving with it.

In the past year, I have found those of you, both online and in person, who continue to inspire me. You have done something even more important than that. You have given me a new sense of normal. I have on and off struggled with new situations and constant adjustments, which could have left me feeling completely isolated. Instead, through you I have seen the same small victories and defeats. The simple thrill of a lower A1c or the frustration of an unexpected low. You provide advice and experience better than any doctor or book. You are in a word irreplaceable. For this, I thank all of you.

Doctor's copay..$30. Insulin...$25. Feeling like everyone else...PRICELESS.

The One Word Meme

OK, So first I have to show the scary creature greeting my guests at my Halloween Party on Friday. For the record, she's a vampire, but her hair seem to overshadow the cute little bugg-eyed hat. Oh well, I was afraid (of how upset she looked in the costume).

Next is the one word meme floating around, that Sara tagged me for. I wish I had paid more attention this weekend because it would have been a great start to a month of blogging. I had planned to NaBloPoMo this month like last year, but Nov. 1 came on a Saturday...Oops. Too late now.

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your significant other? who?
3. Your Hair? brown
4. Your Skin? transparent
5. Your mother? caring
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? wierd
8. Your favorite drink? diet
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your ex? married
12. Your fear? failure
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled
14.Where were you last night? church
15.What you’re not? afraid
16.Muffins? BLUEBERRY!
17.One of your wish list items? cure
18.Where you grew up? South
19.The last thing you did? ran
20.What are you wearing? sweats
21.Your TV? occasionally
22.Your pets? spoiled
23. Your computer? overheated
24. Your life? strange
25. Your mood? content
26. Missing someone? brother
27. Your car? Accord
28. Something you’re not wearing? contacts
29. Favorite Store? Forstalls
30. Your summer? quick
31. Like someone? possibility...
32. Your favorite color? Red
33. When is the last time you laughed? recently
34. Last time you cried? fortnight
35. Who will respond to this? anyone
36. Who’s answers are you anxious to see? yours

Wonderful Days Off

Waking up late and gradually starting my day with a hot, creme brulee flavored coffee. Staying in my pjs until I've finished with breakfast. Reading the newspaper and seeing the ads, instead of working on them. These are just a few reasons I thrive on just having one or two random days off.

I am about to go to the park with my puppy, snacks, blankets, and a good book to just read under the trees. I feel such freedom, and I feel a little like I'm playing hooky that just heightens everything I couldn't normally do on a Thursday afternoon. Later I will pack up and run with Chloe in an attempt to thaw my undoubtedly frozen behind. I will stay up late tonight watching scary movies knowing that I don't have to work tomorrow either. And finally tomorrow I will prepare my house for my annual Halloween party, which is by far one of my favorite holidays. Even getting diabetes could not spoil my love affair with endless candy (and Saturday ON SALE candy) and cheesy scary movies.

Days like this, I now notice, also throw a slight wrench in my diabetes management. Waking up slow and late, while so indulgent, seem to cause terribly high blood sugars that also start off my day. This morning I was a very unhealthy 308, and I had to wait a bit for my insulin to kick in before my coffee and raisin toast. While I usually take my basal in the very early(5am) morning, this 6 hour delay will no doubt keep my blood sugars off track the rest of the day. It is however a small price to pay for my mini vacation, because after all I think every diabetic needs a break from rigid management.

For now I'm off to enjoy this beautiful weather and a glorious day away from responsibility!

One eye open

I am writing this post with just one eye open, in an amazingly dark room. Why?

...because I have apparently developed a very bad habit of sleeping with my eyes partially open. At least that is what my ophthalmologist told me today, after she gracefully worked me into an emergency appointment.

You see, I woke up at 3AM this morning with severe pain in my left eye. It felt like someone had planted glass under my eyelids. Upon waking, my eye would not even be forced open, and was just as watery and painful closed. Light had become my enemy, and with the waterworks also came the runny nose. I swear, I'll never understand how the nose and eyes are connected that way.

Forget about work. I sat in a dark room with a cold pack on my eye, waiting until the doctors office opened. For a while, I considered rushing to the Eye Foundation Hospital's emergency room, but convinced myself to suck it up and wait for the doctor's office to open. My next dilemma, which doctor to see? I haven't seen anything but an optometrist for years. In an effort to be seen today, I called the last eye doctor I remember.

The receptionist answered the call, and I told her my problem and included the fact that I had seen her (the eye doctor) before. It helped! She squeezed me in at 10:30, and I patiently waited until it was time to leave. Of course, I have to drive in terrible rainy weather with only one contact, while in pain, totally light phobic and squinting. I am very blessed I got there in one piece, but not without getting lost. Her office had moved...oops. So I got there a little late, and apologized to the receptionist.
"I thought you said you had seen her before," she said very disgruntled. " I have, but it was a long time ago," I replied. She then said she would check the archives. AND THEY FOUND ME! They had my records back from 1996. I am still impressed. The doctor even remembered me.

So back to my eye. I have a corneal ulcer that is horizontal and placed directly across the center of my eye. How did this happen? Well, the eye doc has seen this before, and thinks I sleep with my eyes partially open. This leaves my eyes extremely dry, and predisposes my eyelid to stick to my eye. When I opened my eye, my eyelid, literally peeled back the top layer of my cornea. OUCH! She continued on to say that it is more common in diabetics, and that it would take longer to heal as well. joy.

For now I'm covered in all kinds of drops and oily ointments, but nothing for pain. I'm also in glasses for at least a month, which means I have to buy new ones. Mine were stepped on and cracked about a month ago. I'll just have to get a very stylish pair of frames, and call it a new look.

On the pump front, I ordered my pump yesterday with mixed emotions. Pure excitement over the pump, but a little depression over my test results. My endo sent me a letter Wednesday with the instructions to order the pump and included my c-peptide and A1C. A1c was good, but my C-peptide was unmeasurable with a fasting BG of 176. 6 months ago, I had a positive c-peptide. I guess I still have lingering feelings that I am not "insulin dependent". Tests now show otherwise. I guess, I knew it was inevitable. Now, I have to wait on insurance approval and waiting is not my strong suit, but at least it's Friday. I have all weekend for my eye to recover without worrying about work. For that I am grateful.

Loooong time - No blog

I woke up late this morning (like 5 minutes before I was supposed to be at work)...
and realized that it was already October.

It's not the calendar that clues me in to this, but the season. It's harder to get up when the sun is still hiding from me as my alarm goes off. It's cooler, with a distinctive breeze that races through my apartment when my windows are open. It's the need to go on long walks in the early mornings or weekends just to be outside with all the beautiful reds and oranges as the leaves change. It is by far, my favorite time of year.

It's interesting to me that this year, it has quite literally snuck up on me. So many things have happened (and are happening) that I feel as if I'm being carried away by that strong October wind.

A quick recap.
1. My workplace has started trimming the fat with buyouts, and I have been on two job interviews in the last week. I'm not worried about my job, but the environment is getting tense!
2. My brother went missing for well over 2 months. I actually had to call the police in Spokane, to go by and check out his house. No help though. His car was gone and it just left us wondering. I found out two weeks ago that he's in China visiting a friend and attending a wedding. CHINA!!! You'd think if you were going to China for months, you would TELL SOMEONE!!! While I'm glad he's well, he might be in mortal danger the next time I see him!
3. I had a long talk with my doctor last week. Just when I'm ready to fire him, he changes. He was so cool, nice, funny and we actually communicated. Turns out, he didn't trust me to be on the pump. He was afraid I would manipulate my insulin, and would not take it seriously. He apparently thought the last time I had DKA, I was deliberately trying to lose weight. Foolish him. So now...

I AM GETTING A PUMP!!!!!

I am waiting to hear from him this week about my updated labs... and then we order the pump!!! He made a follow up for Dec. 2, and according to my nurse, that should be after I've been on the pump for a few weeks. That means I should be using the pump in less than a month. I'll probably be posting a lot during this time. I can't believe how excited I am about a medical device...Sad. Today, it would have saved me. In my attempt to rush to work, I forgot my basal shot. The extra trip home at lunch sucked.

For the record, I woke up at 6:55 am, and walked in the door to work at 7:10. Damn, I'm good!

So Pumped!

Goofy picture aside, I'm so pumped about pumping!

Last week at the CWD conference, I had the unexpected pleasure of trying out 2 insulin pumps with saline. The plan was to ask my doc for a script before the conference, but I sank with intimidation during the actual visit. Fortunately for me, there were nice people available at the various pump companies who were writing scripts. SHHHH! Don't tell. Imagine my surprise when the rep said, "do you want to try it?" -Yeah!

In my excitement to try the pod, I almost forgot about the insertion factor. You know, that unexplainable fear of something not just poking me with a large needle, but ACTUALLY REMAINING UNDER MY SKIN. This has long been a road block in my interest for a pump. I was pleasantly relieved when they placed the pod on the back of my arm, and the most painful part was waiting for the pod to strike. No pain. AT ALL. Heck, a finger stick was more painful than that.

The next day I was Pinged by Animas. Again the excitement almost surpassed the fear. We got to do the complete prep of filling the reservoir and rewinding the pump. I was totally fascinated, but as we pulled out the Inset 30 (the one with that really long needle), my fear returned in full force. This was different than the pod. The pod required no real work from me. I just awaited the needle. This one required that I cocked it like a GUN, aimed and shot myself with this device. I prepped it and held it up against my skin, feeling my face begin to redden. The trainer counted down to the count of 3.

3. 2. 1.

Nothing.

I couldn't do it. It's just not normal. I felt as though it was my first self-injection, surreal and invasive. I told the woman that I couldn't do it in the most serious tone. She answered back very up beat, "Sure you can!" WHAP! She nailed me on my back, and out of surprise I pushed down on the buttons. It was in before I even realized I did it. No pain, no discomfort, and no reason for that massive anxiety.

The rest of the day, I was flashing my site in triumph and playing around with every feature on the pump and ping I could figure out. With all the saline boluses, I was being seasoned like a ham. I played with it for a full day, and even had my first occasion to figure out where to put it in a dress. The ping makes that so easy! I hid it on the back of my bra and then bolused with the ping in my purse. No need to mess with the pump at all. VERY COOL!

Between the insertion sites and being attached to something 24/7, I had reservations. Now I'm having pump envy against all of you who wear a pump. The flexibility and control is unmatched by shots and pens. I still don't think I could do the pod pump, because I know I would lose the controller. If it's life saving AND ultra important, it doesn't stand a shot of staying around. The other pumps are now in serious running against each other for my love and affection. Now, if I can just get my doctor on board.

HOLY GUACAMOLE: A Recipe for Friends For Life

This month began with my first diabetes birthday and ended with my first CWD Friends For Life Conference. There could be no better name for such a life changing experience for anyone who is touched by Type 1 diabetes.

Children, parents, grandparents and adults, from more than a dozen countries, affected by this disease, gathered together and welcomed each other with open arms in a way I have never seen before. A family like no other, and I met the most amazing new friends as seen on Manny's blog.

Those friends and family who knew I was planning to attend this conference, never ceased to remind me that I am not a child OR a parent of a child with diabetes. Truth is, I didn't need to be. I shuffled around learning all kinds of lessons in both formal classes and from new friends. I have many stories to tell, but for now I'll leave you with just a few of the things I learned:

1. I'm not the only "young" adult with diabetes in the world... who knew!
2. The word Guacamole or Guac makes an excellent substitute for some other
unsavory words that might pass through my lips around innocent ears (Sorry
kids, if I slipped occasionally)
3. INSULIN PUMPS ROCK!!!!!
4. I must fire my dictator, I mean doctor.
5. Some people, like Sara, are really good at board walk games
6. And most importantly, I AM NOT ALONE.

Thank you to all those wonderful angels I met this past week!

In Honor of My Mother

Today, I just wanted to give love and thanks to my mother.

Throughout my life, she has picked me up when I have stumbled. She has believed in me when I have not. She has shaped and guided me through every obstacle and important decision. Even today at thirty, she still sees me as her little girl.

I know that motherhood is a beautiful thing. It fosters an unconditional love that is unlike anything else. I see that love come to light through my mother, with every glance she gives me, and every phone call I get at the glimpse of possible bad weather.
Every sacrifice she has made for me, both big and small is remembered. Like the way she cared for me after I came home from a 3 week hospital visit, after my appendix ruptured. She even drove to the store late one night in curlers, and a fur coat over her housecoat to satisfy my craving for Delta Gold potato chips when my appetite was pretty poor.

While sometimes I take her love for granted, or just don't realize her advice is coming from a place of love and protection, I always know that I am stronger for her being behind me through life.

Thank you mom, God has blessed my life with you. Happy Mother's Day!

Actively Atkins

I'm trying something new. Well, it's not really new, but to me it is. It's the Atkin's diet.

It seems to make sense that if I eat extremely low carb/no carb, maybe I can forgo a good bit of insulin (AKA shots/lows). My only major problem (besides my love of bread & crackers)? I don't really eat meat. So I'm trying to come up with new and good foods to add to my new daily routine. I love fish, so that's a given, and of course, while I'm not a huge fan of nuts, walnuts are now a good snack substitute.

Another question I have is the inevitable, do I need insulin with this, and how much? I responsibly asked my doctor about this, and he got very upset about the idea. Seems he is not a fan, nor is the nurse he sent in to "set me straight." So I have no help from the medical profession, but I know there have to be other people out there with diabetes who follow Atkins, right? I still don't understand why everyone seems so against it.

By all means, if anyone out there has gone low carb, and has suggestions, please let me know. I would be terribly grateful.