3:15 AM

The past week was like a dream I would love to forget. After postponing my call to the Doc, I wound up at the ER in DKA with a sugar level of 874. After almost a week in the hospital, and a lingering sinus infection, I am back at home and work. My fiance T is staying with me out of love and concern for a few days. (He was rather angry with me about the missed insulin doses, while he was out of town. I must remember my life directly affect his and I really do hate to see him worry) Other than this, things should be back to normal. SHOULD.

3:15 AM
The alarm blares. It does not wake me. T. heavily rolls over to hit the alarm and instead he encounters my head, and I am UP. Mission accomplished. T. is less than thrilled though, because he too is now wide awake.
"What in the world? Did the power go out?" T asks.
"No, I set the alarm. Just didn't mean it to be that loud. Sorry."
"why on earth would you do that?" T asks again.
All I need do, is show him the meter. 31mg.
He literally springs into action with juice from downstairs. Admittedly he is a big guy, and I was unaware he could move that fast! I picture him racing after a criminal in hot pursuit, but am brought back by the ringing in my head that clearly was not caused by T's heavy hand. I guzzle the small bottle of apple juice, and I see that T has brought up 3 more.
"Just in case." he says.
I feel groggy, tired and I still can't breathe well, but at that moment I felt so safe. Secure. He was there to wake me up when the alarm clock would not.

After his fear and my low had passed, I explained that with the higher doses, the Doctor wanted me to check my 3:00 AM numbers. Especially since my doses should come down, once I am well and my numbers are stable. To see the fear in this strong man's eyes was a little haunting, and I know it will be difficult convincing him I'm OK to stay by myself.

It had me thinking all day about it. It's true, that when we're married I will have fewer nights alone, but with the amount of time he travels, it won't be much more. I wonder what kind of strain that will cause in the future. Will he worry too much? Will I become resentful that he's not home very often? To have that feeling of security, like I had last night, I am now more aware of how alone (and in truth a little scared) I am, when he's not there beside me.

3:15 AM - The alarm clock went off, but it was today that I woke up.
Things are definitely not the same as yesterday.

ANNOYED

HI

No, It's not a greeting. And no, I'm not on illegal drugs either.

Apparently, that is my meters way of saying, "You really screwed up this time!"

In the event of feeling rather blue, I hibernated this weekend. I had the full intentions of testing and taking care of myself, but somehow didn't. Not one test...not one shot. Now, I know the honeymoon is over.

Just 2 short little days without my small amount of insulin was enough to ruin all my control. I finally tested last night, and was in the mid-300s. OK not so good... take my basal and my fast acting. That should do it. It always has in the past, but not this time. Four hours later... low 400s. I WENT UP!!! How could that be? Check for ketones...moderate. Again, not so good. I take more Novolog, but have never been in this predicament. I'm terrified of giving too much, but I also have a desert in my mouth and feel really crappy.

So after a very sleepless night, with many a trip to the restroom, I'm still in the 400s. Take my insulin, and pray. Shower, Go to work. Test before lunch, knowing I'm not feeling a whole lot better. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....HI. Are you kidding Me? My meter reads up to 600, supposedly. Test again ...HI. Now I'm a little panicky, and I need to call the Doctor's office, BUT I'm soooo embarrassed. What do I say? "I just stopped taking the insulin, cause I didn't feel like it?" or "I thought I was honeymooning, and it would be OK?" Or the truth which is I just didn't think at all. I'm working up the courage to call, but now with large ketones I'm afraid it might be an emergency, and I don't feel THAT bad.

I"M SOOOOO MAD AT MYSELF, I COULD SCREAM!!!!
Why isn't my insulin working? How did this happen sooo fast? I just don't get it!
Alright, I'm off to call. Wish me luck, and I hope that they don't yell at me or guilt me.

Small

It's Friday and I'm glad this week has come to an end. The past few days have not been so good for me. I'm not sure if it's the weather, the season, or just my completely unpredictable blood sugars, but I'm feeling extremely small.

I hate feeling this way. I have no reason to feel so blue. I remind myself of all the blessings that I have, and feel even guiltier when they do not comfort me. I tend to think it has definite ties to my diabetes. I came across this realization when I started having a slight aversion to all things diabetes. Normally, I hop around many d-blogs throughout my day. I look for new info or articles that give me insight, but it is now a struggle to just post myself. Where it was a comfort before, it has now become a reminder. Almost admittance of guilt. Yes, I am guilty. I am a DIABETIC. I have been drafted into the club I never wanted or planned to be a part of.

Don't get me wrong. I think of everyone I have been "introduced" to online as a precious blessing. Without the many blogs and networks of amazing people, I would be alone in this. Without the D-community, I have no one surrounding me who understands. I thank you all for that. But this is something different which has grabbed hold of me, and is causing me to sink.

I thought I was handling everything quite well. I passed through a very small time of denial, including a few weeks of really low-normal sugars. Now, the shots have become "more normal". I test regularly and pay attention to my food. I felt positive and ready to face new challenges like those crazy holiday feasting parties. Now, I'm ready to move on to something new. In my head, it's almost like I'm thinking, "Well, I've done the diabetes thing. Maybe tomorrow I'll be vegan... or I'll start riding horseback...plug in any random activity here_________." Only, if I became vegan tomorrow, I'd be vegan and diabetic. With time, the diabetes does not go away. Now, the only thing I'm certain of, is that everyday, it will be there for the rest of my life. The novelty has worn off. The fact that a simple cup of coffee with Splenda and a tablespoon of flavored creamer reflects back to me in a number of 252, no longer surprises me. Frustrates me...but I repeat, does not surprise me.

Now I feel small and helpless to change it. I also feel self-indulgent in pity, which I hate. That is not a quality I find helpful, useful or productive in any way. Oh well. This weekend I will hibernate and seek shelter in my bed. Pulling the covers over my head, and of course, occasionally coming out to test.

No Wonder

Yesterday, I had my last day off of work (besides Christmas) before the end of the year. It was full of errands, and stuff on my "to do" list that I obviously haven't done. One of those things included a trip to the local JDRF office.

You see, I'd been carrying a donation check around with me for awhile. Everyday I said to myself, "I'll mail it tomorrow..." Well, I knew they wanted them all by the 4th (today), so it seemed like the perfect solution to just drive it there while doing all of my errands. However, now I'd wish I mailed it.

No wonder the JDRF walk was poorly coordinated. No wonder, I had trouble getting info from them. No wonder, I couldn't get them to return a call. It broke my heart to see this local hub of such a great organization.

First of all, I had trouble finding it. It is located in a mass of cookie cutter office buildings, that look more like trailers at overcrowded schools. When you enter the side of the building it is a long walk down one hallway, to the only decorated door of the bunch. The office is located behind a locked door, I was told was "for security reasons" I.E. "Stalker". The office consisted of only two small cubicles.

I was greeted by two very sweet and pleasant insividuals. They asked me questions, and thought like most people that I was still in high school. When I explained my age, they told me about how many young adults they were encountering who were newly diagnosed. I thought about asking about developing some sort of support group, but it seemed like those two people had the world on their shoulders and could handle any more. Turns out my doctor is on their board, and we chatted about him. When they found out I was a graphic artist, they promptly enlisted my services, to which I am more than happy to help. She kept saying, "Now, I'm really going to call you, so if you're being nice..."

I left there feeling saddened for the tiny little office and staff. All I want to do is help in some way. It was obvious from the shere fact that crucial details about the walk were left out. We weren't even notified about schedules and walk times (or even that breakfast and lunch would be served) until the night before the walk. The event itself was very nice, but we were all a little disappointed by the planning. No wonder.....