Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Crazy, Stressful, Wonderful Week

Halloween definitely came early for me this year. Full of terrible tricks and great treats as well.

My last week was solely devoted to the car and it's untimely demise. I have to admit, the timing couldn't have been worse. My sugars were running abnormally low (great reason for Halloween candy!) and I had so many other things I needed to get done. After days of painful car shopping and NINE hours of negotiations, I now own a new pewter(fancy word for metallic gray), 2008 Honda Accord. I know, I know, it's not my Celica.

I have officially dubbed it "my grown up car". In truth, I LOVE IT. I am no longer praying to get to work safely. It drives well, and has that new car smell. I am also so proud of my negotiation skills, especially with a dying car to trade in. Like I said, nine hours in talks and a high spike of a 364 from 74, but I got my car way cheaper than a used car. Stressful, but totally worth it. It was an unexpected blessing and even my car insurance WENT DOWN!

On Saturday, I went with my wonderful friends, to my first JDRF walk. This was by far the highlight of my week. The turn out was great and it surprised me to see how many people this disease touches. With the team T shirts and signs so elaborate and meaningful, it was clear to see that spirit and determination were high. The big D may have it's frustrating, painful and certainly heartbreaking moments, but all I saw Saturday was strength and resilience in all those who attended. It was truly inspiring, and I was humbled to walk next to them. I hope one day soon, there will be no need for us to walk.

Later that night, there was no rest as my friends came over for scary movies, food and fun at my annual Halloween party. They are incredible, and insisted on bringing the food over to relieve me from my mad frenzy in the kitchen. I guess they know I'm now broke. LOL

Now I am finally unwinding, and curiously my sugars are steadily on the rise. It's weird how stress affects that number. For a few days last week, I couldn't get above 90, staying mainly between 54-74 and NOT FEELING IT (never had this happen). I had reduced my insulin, and still had the lows. I was starting to doubt my diagnosis, till I had the spike at the dealership. Not sure what to make of last week, so I'm now focusing on other scary things. Things like the horror marathon on tonight, and the sweets haunting me while I wait for kids to knock on my door.


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

a noise, a low and serious need of first aid

It started with a noise. Just a noise. A curious little sound coming from the engine of my car. As I increased in speed, it grew and my HEART SANK.

My car and I have been through a lot. My 2000 Toyota Celica has protected me from accidents, and been my haven when I needed to just get away. It has also caused me great stress, having already replace the engine once. (Toyota is evil!) In truth, my trust level hasn't completely returned and now there is noise.

As my car flew down the interstate to work, I rubbed on my steering wheel convinced I could make my car better. Instead, my blood sugar joined my sinking heart and plummeted forcing me to stop my car on the side of the road.

Both of us sit on the side of the road, in desperate need of first aid.

41. And that was not my speed. I sat in my car and downed the only two tabs in my car, and frantically hit speed dial to my office. "Car ...noise...low, On the interstate" is I could muster.

My friends came to my rescue with juice, but I'm not so sure the car will be OK. Now safe and level headed, I am going to have to let go of my old friend, and begin the hellish search for a new one. Good-bye to my car, hello to a monthly payment!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Confessions of an Over-Analyzer

Lately, my thoughts have started to run away from me. Sprint even.

It's as if my internal dialogue begins a serious game of racquetball in my head. It always starts as a simple uncomplicated thought. I then, begin to hold on to it for second or two. Toss it around a bit, and then begin to bounce it against some invisible wall I've created. Pretty soon, it gathers a momentum and speed I can't control. I am left ducking in the corner, hoping I will not get knocked out by that one simple run away thought.

I have always been a thinker. I like to understand WHY. I dissect, play devil's advocate, and hopefully form an open minded opinion. I do this with great passion, but sometimes my passion and analyzation are a bad combination.

It started with my need to learn and understand my diabetes. It seemed like this consumed me. First, I tried to find alternative reasons for the hyperglycemia. Rates of misdiagnosis. After all, no one in my family has ever had it, even with two obese parents. Then, I longed to learn about the disease from every avenue available. Now, I'm obsessing over numbers and control.

I just don't get it. I can do everything the same and have drastically different outcomes. I was so focused on tight control (5.7 A1c!!) that now I'm becoming a little extreme with it. I realize I have lost over 10 pounds about two weeks, bringing me under 100. This is not due to hyperglycemia, but skipping meals and eating small portions to avoid highs and to lower doses of insulin. Even with that, I woke up with a 237 this morning. WTF? I must have had a 30 minute internal monologue about what could have happened. I knew I had lost it, when I thought, Someone must have fed me cake while I slept!. It seems even with all the words I've read about this disease and how unpredictable it can be, I just can't accept (control) it the way I would like to. I also realize I'm being obsessive,and I've thought about it (shock!), but still can't seem to just relax.

Now, other thoughts that are not diabetes related are beginning to take the same shape. I am having to fight the roller coaster of thoughts my mind begins to travel, before I derail.I'm sure this will pass...

I will think on it tomorrow.

Monday, October 15, 2007


Let the Celebration Begin!

I never thought that one small number would give me so much stress, anxiety, pride and joy. I received my mail on Saturday, and in it were the results of my latest A1c. 5.7!!!! All the shots, carb counting, & bruises were not in vain! I feel elated and excited and most of all relieved.

It is amazing how one number can send images of blindness, amputations, & kidney disease running through my head. Diabetes is a very scary disease and while this number helps that anxiety about my future, it is still no guarantee. Now I will continue the shots and monitoring in anticipation of the next test...and the next...and the next.

I have to wonder, if all this worry over numbers and doctors visits is actually doing me more harm than the disease. For now, I am happy, content and elated. I will enjoy the moment for as long as I can.

I am also happy to report how well the turn out for The Race for the Cure was this weekend. My thoughts, prayers & hopes for all those touched by the disease.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Notes

1. Giving Blood Saves Lives....
Just not mine.

As part of the season for giving, United Way held a blood drive at our office. I dutifully went, with sweaty palms, to give blood for the first time. After all my new experiences with needles, and much blood letting at the doctors office, I just knew I would be prepared and brave (despite the somersaults my stomach was performing). I waited for what felt like an eternity, as I watched people get poked with large needles and squeeze rubber balls. Finally, I completed a screening only to be rejected!

Apparently, there is a weight limit, and I'm slightly anemic so there was no donation from me today. I wondered if I would have a problem with the diabetes, but this time the disease didn't get in my way...the rest of me did. I left feeling as if my blood was somehow not worthy and sub par. Oh well, I tried

2. Race for the cure is this weekend and I am geared up and ready to run! It should be great weather and I can't wait. Later, comes the JDRF walk and I am still mad at work to raise money.

3. Funny bit...
Apparently China had another toy recalled for safety. See left.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

How Much Time Is Too Much Time?

Since diagnosis, I have felt like a "good", pro-active person with diabetes. I have read every article and book I could get my hands on. I have scoured the internet, searching for answers about causes, cures, & research. I am almost fanatical about my food, carbs and shots. I have lurked over some wonderful blogs, and found comfort in other's words. Now, I am blogging and sharing my voice, but I have to wonder... is this becoming an obsession?

How much time is too much time devoted to diabetes?

I know this is still relatively new. I'm also still a little in shock, but is it normal to think about it, read about it and have it be at the forefront on your head all the time?

I don't want to be different then I was just a few short months ago, but I am. I fear I am emphasizing that difference with all of the time and effort I have dedicated to this disease, which still feels like an unwanted house guest. You know, annoying and not all that familiar, but still ALWAYS AROUND.

It has definitely caused me some serious time suckage. I think of all the things, I was focused on before. My art, my friends, my fiance, they all seem to be in the background, and I know they don't understand. So I wonder if I'm really losing myself as well. How do you balance such a dramatic shift in your life and retain yourself?

Maybe, this will pass. I do know, I can't ignore it, but I would like to.

Monday, October 8, 2007


Finally the mystery has been solved!

For a few months now, I've have the undeniable feeling that someone has been messing with me. Little things at home have disappeared or have been moved from where I've put them. Strange noises have plagued my sleep. I was starting to think I was losing my mind with how truly forgetful I had become. Then last night happened:

It's 3:15 am and I wake up in a sweat, feeling like I'm definitely low. I roll over to grab my meter to test, but find nothing on the nightstand. Not my meter, not my glucose tabs...nothing. Still out of it, and somewhat asleep, I get up thinking that I KNOW I BROUGHT MY METER WITH ME. I also KNOW there were tabs on the nightstand. I roll...OK ...I fall out of bed, and stumble downstairs to find my meter and get some juice.

Now if 'd been thinking clearly, the juice would have come first, but I wasn't. I starting looking for my case on the couch, then under the couch, then in my purse. In a frantic dance, I am now tearing apart my living room apart because I KNOW it is here somewhere. I have learned there is a fine line between being low and losing your mind, and I am now having trouble picking things up with my hands. This forces me to head to the fridge and chug the apple juice strait from the container, while I sit on the ground in front of the fridge and wait to come back up.

When I was finally feeling better, I got up to continue the pursuit of my meter, but after 30 minutes I gave in and headed back to bed. As I got to my bedroom though, I could hear my dog digging and whimpering from the corner of the room. As I called to her, and flipped on the light, I found her looking as if she were trying to dig her way to China. She looked up with a clear look of guilt, and when I pulled her out of her bed, I found it. ALL OF IT! My meter, my tabs, my lipstick, my keys to my car (I had been using my spare set). EVERYTHING I had been missing was buried in the blanket of her dog bed.

Man's Best Friend... I don't think so!
Zoe is clearly a thief, and I can now be sure that I am not completely losing my mind (at least not anymore than usual).

Friday, October 5, 2007

It's All About The Little Things

To me, it's all about the little things. You know, those small quiet moments that make you smile.

It's the look on my dog's face when I'm talking to her. I just KNOW, she is desperately trying to understand me.

It's hitting every green light perfectly through rush hour traffic. The funny stare I catch as someone watches me belting out the song coming through my ipod, from inside my car.

It's the wonderful 25 minutes of silent time I have in the morning, before the world rushes in and things get crazy.

And lately, I smile every time I pull out my meter to test, all because of a silly little skin I've added to it's face. It's true....I'm well into my 20s, but I'm still a kid at heart.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Braving the Blogosphere - A New Frontier

Today begins my new journey in life. I've decided to brave the blogosphere and join the OC. I've been a lurker for a while, but I'm feeling more confident, more positive and more in control than I have in a while. Since yesterday was delurking day, I've decided to completely delurk myself, and hopefully learn and share the sweet and the sour of life.

So here I am, a 29 year old newly diagnosed diabetic, and I am truly relearning how to live. My world has pretty much been under my tight control, and now things have become unpredicatable, frightening , bothersome and rather exhilerating too. Its odd to me that I would use that word exhilerating, but I'm learning to think on my feet, work a little harder and find the determiation not to let this slow me down. That is the kind of empowerment I'm striving for.

So this is the beginning of my journey, and I hope you will follow me along for the ride.