Lately, my thoughts have started to run away from me. Sprint even.
It's as if my internal dialogue begins a serious game of racquetball in my head. It always starts as a simple uncomplicated thought. I then, begin to hold on to it for second or two. Toss it around a bit, and then begin to bounce it against some invisible wall I've created. Pretty soon, it gathers a momentum and speed I can't control. I am left ducking in the corner, hoping I will not get knocked out by that one simple run away thought.
I have always been a thinker. I like to understand WHY. I dissect, play devil's advocate, and hopefully form an open minded opinion. I do this with great passion, but sometimes my passion and analyzation are a bad combination.
It started with my need to learn and understand my diabetes. It seemed like this consumed me. First, I tried to find alternative reasons for the hyperglycemia. Rates of misdiagnosis. After all, no one in my family has ever had it, even with two obese parents. Then, I longed to learn about the disease from every avenue available. Now, I'm obsessing over numbers and control.
I just don't get it. I can do everything the same and have drastically different outcomes. I was so focused on tight control (5.7 A1c!!) that now I'm becoming a little extreme with it. I realize I have lost over 10 pounds about two weeks, bringing me under 100. This is not due to hyperglycemia, but skipping meals and eating small portions to avoid highs and to lower doses of insulin. Even with that, I woke up with a 237 this morning. WTF? I must have had a 30 minute internal monologue about what could have happened. I knew I had lost it, when I thought, Someone must have fed me cake while I slept!. It seems even with all the words I've read about this disease and how unpredictable it can be, I just can't accept (control) it the way I would like to. I also realize I'm being obsessive,and I've thought about it (shock!), but still can't seem to just relax.
Now, other thoughts that are not diabetes related are beginning to take the same shape. I am having to fight the roller coaster of thoughts my mind begins to travel, before I derail.I'm sure this will pass...
I will think on it tomorrow.