Monday, January 28, 2008
Fear Is Rising
I'm starting to get a little ancy as I tap my fingers, and swing my legs. I simply can't seem to sit still. I have started to dwell and dread the fateful thing I face tomorrow. My Endo appointment.
I don't do this with any other kind of doctor's appointments. While I hate seeing the doctor in general, I never had this sense of doom. Probably because I have always been really healthy, and only now am I having to schedule routine visits and regular blood work. But now, I begin to count down as the day approaches, even more conscious of what I eat and what my numbers are. I even start to log them in for goodness sakes! I know when I finally do get there, my blood pressure and heart rate will skyrocket, and I SWEAR it causes my blood sugar to rise as well. Each time they take my pulse is always over 126 BPM and he always reads this and inspects me with that stethoscope. I can feel them all rising now, as I think about it.
I even go so far as to imagine how the conversation will go and what looks he'll give me. What kinds of things can I say or do to make him think I am in control, and knowledgeable (even if I'm not). I have stepped into my own weird little game where I mentally practice my appointment.
Don't get me wrong, my doctor is really nice, kind of clinical, and I know he's an Incredible doctor. So why should it make me so anxious? This time, I think it is because it will be the first normal visit from all of the DKA mess. Secondly, I am planning to ask about a pump. Third...OK I don' know what third is, but I do know I have ALL THESE QUESTIONS, and less than fifteen minutes to ask them in a non-babbling kind of way, AND get them answered. Talk about pressure.
I have decided to have a plan of attack. I am writing down all "must be answered" questions, so I will not forget. I will have them phrased in a clear and concise matter. I think this will help me, as long as I don't forget to bring the paper I write the questions on!