Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Trust

I sometimes think that silence is deafening, and unspoken words become like large weights that burden us. I have been residing in my own silence lately. Thinking a little too much, my brain is resembling a hamster running in a wheel. The same thoughts run through my head over and over. especially the topic of trust.

The way he cared for me when I was sick. The way he cheered me up or made me laugh. The way he made me feel safe. Most importantly, the way he made me feel loved. These feelings are so close to the surface of my heart, that I can almost call them up at will. It's amazing how strong emotions seem to replay my memories in technicolor...so vivid and vibrant. I ask myself (as does he) over and over how I can dismiss those feelings. The question then becomes, can you have love without trust?

Admittedly, I have been working through trust issues for awhile. I think that is why this one is weighing so heavy on me. T and I have dated for well over two years. I THOUGHT I knew everything about him. I was so wrong.

We traveled to see his family in Missouri for Christmas. I was so excited to meet his family (soon to be my family) and friends. It seems like the perfect timing. A true celebration of the holidays, our engagement, and a great getaway after that nasty DKA episode. I felt even closer to him as saw the traits he shares with his brothers and parents. In one moment it changed. Everything. Once again my life had taken an unexpected and unwelcome twist. A woman named Karen came knocking on his parents door to hand deliver papers. Divorce papers.

How did I miss that. I knew he had an ex named Karen, but he said he had NEVER been married. All this time he had been legally separated, but in reality I have been seeing a married man. Everyone thought I knew, and there I was feeling like a fool with a week left on this nightmarish vacation. Trust. In the blink of an eye it's gone. The man I had confided my deepest secrets to, shared some of my vulnerable moments, and he didn't trust me enough to share such an integral part of his past with me. This acquisition of those legal papers was just another thing marked off of his wedding TO DO LIST.

It has me questioning everything. Even the nature of my own person. Am I judgemental? Is that why he kept it from me? Does he consider me too delicate to handle this news? What other things will he keep from me? What does that mean for my future? Then I get angry, REALLY ANGRY. Why not divorce before we ever even started dating.

I'm not sure anymore why I still find it so incomprehensible. After all, I can no longer even trust my own body not to harm me. It eats away everyday at the few remaining beta cells within me. It has stopped performing some of the most basic tasks required for living, and I am constantly relearning and adjusting to it's whims. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything left worthy of my trust. I get so bogged down with this circling chain of thoughts, that eventually I just shut down. It's purely emotional overload.

I will have more details, including his excuses later. For now I am content to take solace in the one thing that always makes me smile. My sweet precious puppy, Zoe. You could never see a more perfect example of love.

7 comments:

in search of balance said...

I think betrayal of trust is the hardest thing to overcome, and the only thing that can help it is time. I'm glad to see you writing about it, as often writing can help crystalize feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry that any of it happened.

Be gentle on yourself, and go slowly, and when you know what needs to happen be sure and trust those feelings. I'll be thinking of you.

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Lesli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mandy said...

Beth,
Thank you for your kind words. I think you are right about betrayal, even if you forgive, you can't really forget. It's also not fair to hold it against someone forever and right now, things just seem rather fuzzy.

People are resilient, and I know I will muddle through. Thank you again for all your support!

insearchofbalance said...

Aw, yay, I'm glad you're back online. I am borrowing this computer, and counting the days till I get mine back.

You are an inspiration. :)

Amylia said...

Mandy,
I just read this blog post now--late to the game, sorry! I'm so sorry to learn that you had to go through such a betrayal. Once gone, trust is very hard to get back, especially when the concealed truth is so big.

I hope you take care of yourself and do what is best for you, as you deserve it!

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