Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm feeling much better today, after worrying all weekend over a huge and inaccurate bill I received from Animas. It seems after the pump bill was sent and paid by my insurance provider, Animas has decided to go after a new contract rate. Friday, I received a bill for a large part of it. Now it's being straightened out, and I'm pretty sure my insurance will stick to their guns, but just the thought of all that extra money has made my stomach do somersaults.
In general, I seem to have a sensitive panic button. That really bothers me. Even knowing there was nothing I could do over the weekend, that I knew it was probably a huge mistake, and that worrying was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but making me ill, I still focused on the worst possible scenarios. I can't stand that I do that.
I can tell myself that it keeps me from ever being disappointed or even surprised, but that's not really true. I think maybe, not having complete control is almost intolerable. It seems preparing for all possibilities, even the worst, gives me the feeling of control. An instant way to reclaim order and prepare. In the mean time, I'm sure it detracts me from enjoying the time in between, and is taking years off my life via stress.
Diabetes has certainly left me feeling vulnerable and insecure at times (too often). Especially when I think about money, insurance, and the fact that I will be dependent on these for the rest of my life. Being at the hands of other people to help control/manage my health is humbling and sobering. I've never had much need to become familiar with doctors & specialists. I've had little experience with dealing with insurance companies and things like coverage. That is until diabetes arrived.
Just two weeks ago, I had to spend over 2 hours on the phone with my insurance company, when a computer glitch caused my insulin to be denied. MY INSULIN. MY LIFE. That's pretty scary if you simply don't have the money to pay full price. (I did find out that they covered CGM at 100%, so not a completely bad call)
It's so hard to find a balance between preparedness, and pessimism. I've spent most of the day feeling silly for the anger and worry, that my friends were talking me down from on Friday. I'm sure as time goes on, I will be a pro at handling all the bumps in the road that come from diabetes. But I wish I didn't have to. I wish no one had to. maybe one day...