Sunday, April 20, 2008

Incredibly Late

Once again, I'm so very late to the party. I'm late to this wonderful meme that Beth tagged me with, and even to Raise Your Voice day created by Kerri. That is an absolutely amazing event she started, and I'm just now making my way through all those powerful and touching links!

It's been awhile since I've blogged or even truly engaged in my daily check-ins with all the wonderful writers who blog on the DOC. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am.

So many things have happened, life has caught up and slowed down, like I'm racing on a faulty treadmill, all the while never seeing any change of scenery. I have run to my laptop many times desperately wanting to unload and write, but after booting it up just couldn't find the words. My thoughts just seem too fast,too cluttered and too many to sort through.

Like many things in my life, sometimes it's just easier to compartmentalize aspects of my life that are too difficult, emotionally stressful, or just too time consuming to deal with. Lately, that has been my entire life, and right now, it seems I'm just pushing through to the next minute, hour or day that creeps up. AND THAT IS JUST NO LONGER WORKING FOR ME.

Evidence in point, my diabetes. Yes, I'm diabetic (I have to keep telling myself this). It has become my mantra, as of late. Yes, I'm really diabetic...check your sugar....take your insulin...count those carbs...and breath. Stress is apparently a very serious danger to the diabetic. Case in point, yet another trip to the ER for dehydration and high blood sugars. At least I got to leave after 11 hours in the ER, so thankfully no hospital stay, but still this added even more stress. I had gotten so busy and distracted with work and freelance deadlines that I just stopped checking my BGs. Every now and then when I would check it, it was always in the upper 300's to 400's. My first thought, my meter is sooo off or I must not have clean fingers. It wasn't until I realized I had lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks, that I actually checked for ketones and of course had them. To make a long story short, I postponed seeing the doctor for work reasons (even after they offered to fit me in) until I was sick and he sent me to the ER.

Then I was angry, at all the money the ER and all the follow-up visits were putting on me, as well as the time involved. In truth the anger was about me, and all the trouble that could have been avoided with some care and simple stress management. I can no longer pretend that my diabetes isn't a priority in my life. I'm really dense and late to that realization as well.

The hardest part now, is the fact that even when I take care and time to tend to my diabetes, it still doesn't behave the way I want it too. Too little insulin and I run high, definitely not enough internal production to keep me afloat. With the larger doses that my doctor wants me on, it seems some of my beta cells perk up a bit, and suddenly there is a surge and unexpected low. I feel like I have lost all control, and that makes me so unsettled. Most of these days, getting online for support, even if it means enjoying all my favorite blogs, has just been too difficult.

This week,I have finally taken the serenity prayer to heart. I've also been reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle. My goal now, is not to change what I can't, but accept and move forward. In that light, I have gotten the name of a therapist who has dealt quite a bit with diabetes, and he comes with the highest regard. I have also consulted with my CDE and dear friend, who has helped me quite a bit! Tomorrow, I am taking a deep breath and finally making the call to the therapist.

I guess today I am Raising My Voice about type 1 diabetes and now what it means to embrace it as a part of me. In the spirit of Beth's meme, here are my six words.

Learning To Love, Living Out Loud.

These seem to be the most appropriate to my life today, and seeing how late I am, I won't pass it along since most people have already received the tag. Thanks Beth! It is a hard meme, but well worth the challenge.


Jeff said...

Hi Mandy.

It's good to see you back online.

I'm sure that talking with your CDE friend and the new therapist will help you begin to get around the obstacles that the big D puts in your path, and that soon the scenery around you will change for the better.

Sending all the support, encouragement, and prayers that will fit through this DSL line.

Mandy said...

Your DSL line must be pretty big, because your support and your comments always overwhelm me.

thanks Jeff.


~Suzanne~ said...

Hi Mandy,
Glad to see you back!! I can certainly relate to well, all of it! It is so easy to ignore the signs that things are going wrong and justify them, even when we know the truth. Sometimes I just don't feel READY to deal with it all! Gosh I wish there was some magic button to press that would just take care of it for me...and sometimes I sure take a long time looking for it, too!

I often find I have to just say, if I make a good choice in this one second I have right now, it is over and I can't take it back. So that's what I do. I stop and check and deal with whatever blood sugar is there, and then I can't just not deal with it, because it is done and taken care of! 'Just do it one second at a time' has definitely become my motto! And I guess that IS the magic that one second that it appears, I have to decide to push it.

Just know I am here cheering for you!!

Mandy said...

Thanks Suzanne!
Sometimes it really does come down to the moment to moment decisions.

I've decided to go to Staples and see if I can get that EASY button, they talk so much about. Wouldn't that be nice!